


Count Your Blessings

by Stonewall1862



Series: Fresh Bruises [2]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon
Genre: Angst, Blood, Dorks in Love, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Paintball, Past Drug Addiction, Past Torture, Suicidal Thoughts, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, medical shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 06:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 40,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18425187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stonewall1862/pseuds/Stonewall1862
Summary: Sequel to Follow You. The end of senior year is coming, and for Kellin and Oli that means celebrating Kellin's birthday, preparing for graduation, soccer championships, and spending the last days of school with their friends. But when Kellin's father comes back, Kellin will have to choose between having the father figure he always longed for, or keeping his sweet but sensitive boyfriend. Will Kellin's attempts to reconnect with the man who left when he was four work out? Or will it destroy the blessings he had taken for granted in life?





	Count Your Blessings

Sweat trickled down a multi-colored back and Oli’s chest heaved with effort. His breath puffed in and out. He could feel the back of shirt was soaked. It had been exciting in the beginning, but honestly, he was starting to tire.

               But that’s what happened to any midfielder toward the end of an intense game of soccer against  their biggest rival team in the league.

               Picking up his feet, Oli sprinted forward as the other team came at them again. Catching the one player with the ball, he maneuvered it out of his possession with a bit of fancy footwork, but was quickly surrounded by others in purple jerseys, which clashed with his own team’s red ones. Spying lengthy brown hair, Oli kicked the ball away to Vic, who went on to pass back and forth between himself and his younger cousin Mike until they managed to slip the ball around the goalie to make the score 4-3.

               Vic grinned as his tanned fist bumped Oli’s tattooed one in breathless exhilaration as they headed back to the lineup amid the cheers from their side. Oli returned the gesture and glanced to the sideline, scanning a bit past his Vic’s family, his own mother and Rachel to see the familiar open face of Kellin Quinn. His black strands were tucked back in the unseasonable heat wave, and his gorgeous eyes danced with affection, which always made Oli’s stomach do various somersaults.

               “You can kiss him in two minutes when we’re done,” Vic teased as he lined up in front of his friend. Both he and his cousin were forwards. Oli simply stuck his tongue out at him, but didn’t have the breath to retort.

               All they needed to do was defend the ball for the last two minutes to beat their rivals and make their record 4-1. It had been an intense game, several yellow cards already issued on both teams. Oli, being a relative newcomer to the area didn’t harbor the strong feelings toward the other team as Vic and the others did, and had managed to stay out of most of the transgressions. That was until there was 45 seconds left and while swindling another purple forwards out of possession of the ball, something Oli did rather well, he felt something like a brick wall take out his legs. With little control he landed to his left on the soft grass as he heard the whistle blow. There was a twinge in his right leg as he sat up and gingerly sat up and looked at the purple player. He was tall, tan, and reminded Oli vaguely of Vic. “The fuck mate…” he muttered, loud enough for the other player to hear, low enough that the ref wouldn’t.

               “Better watch yourself, and stop screwing up our offense with your fancy feet,” the other player growled.

               “Shove it, dog breath,” Tony, the other midfielder growled and gave Oli a hand up. “You’re just jealous.”

               The ref appeared and gave a yellow card to the player who had taken Oli out, much to the shouting and frustration of the purple coach. He was hopping up and down on the sidelines, an angry leprechaun if there ever was one. Oli also got a penalty kick and Tony lined the ball up for him as Oli walked off the soreness in his right leg.

               There was nothing worse for a goal-keeper than penalty kicks, as Tom had told him on many previous occasions. Oli observed the other boy, nervously watching Oli for the sign of where he would go. With a deep breath he watched the corner of where he wanted to put the ball. Though he was right handed, and generally preferred kicking with his right, Oli switched at the last second and used his left, subsequently watching the ball rocket to the top right corner, just out of reach of the goalie, but still in the net for a goal. It had been one of his few all season.

               He rubbed at his neck shyly as the cheers went out, and jogged back to his position. The remaining seconds of the game flew by, and the red shirts jumped up and down at the end. Vic slung an arm around his shoulders, Cheshire grin still on his face. “Nice one! Now they’ll be really pissed for the next time we see them!” he laughed.

               Oli looked over to where the purple shirts had gathered and saw the same boy who had knocked him down glowering at him. “I think they already are,” he smirked. Whatever. They were a town over, so it wasn’t like he’d have to face them in school as he’d had to in the autumn with Derek. The coach talked with them for a few moments, and Vic was unsurprisingly awarded man of the match, since he had scored three of the five goals.

               Breaking up and heading to their families, Oli watched as Rachel streaked the last few feet onto the field and leapt up to kiss Vic rather passionately. His arms tucked around her petite frame despite holding onto the little pack of matches used to award the man of the match.

               “Get a room you two!” he heard Kellin’s voice yell.

               “We could just always turn it into a competition,” Oli smirked wickedly at his boyfriend, finally reaching him and tugging at a loop on the other’s black skinny jeans playfully.

               “That just wouldn’t be fair to them,” Kellin grinned back and lazily slung his arms behind Oli’s back and kissed him impishly. Oli sighed into the kiss. He never got tired of feeling the other’s lips sliding across his own, soft as pillows, hot as a volcanic spring, and just as sensual.

               “Save it for the bedroom you rabbits,” Tom bleated, shuffling over while removing his goal-keepers gloves.

                “Jealous?” Oli needled his younger brother, breaking off the kiss and raising an eyebrow. Tom simply rolled his eyes.

               “You were so close too,” Vic said wistfully and shared a look with Kellin.

               Oli follow it and glanced at his boyfriend. “Close to what?”

               “He was going to make your brain go fuzzy by kissing you and then get you to tell him what his birthday present is,” Rachel divulged. “It was Vic’s idea.”

               “It’s worked for Rachel,” the tan boy shrugged.

               “You’re not supposed to tell him! I could have tried again later! Ugh, you two suck,” Kellin grimaced.

               “Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?” inquired Oli, giving a flat stare at Vic.

               “He gave me the puppy eyes,” Vic squirmed. “But I didn’t tell him what it is!”

               “Well I suppose you can be forgiven then. As long as you didn’t ruin the surprise.”

               “How come I don’t get to surprise you or celebrate your birthday, but you’re making a big deal about mine?” Kellin asked, a small whine to his voice.

               “Because yours means more to me. And besides, you have a history of at least celebrating your birthday. I never really had. It’s only about 24 hours till you get to find out what your present is. I think you’ll make it.”

               Like sand through his fingers, Kellin slipped from his grasp and collapsed dramatically onto the grass on the sideline. “Nope! This is it! It’s all going dark! You better tell me my surprise or I won’t make it till tomorrow!” he said dramatically, which only served to make Oli laugh.

               “That’s still a no.”

               With that, Kellin drew a shuddering breath and died upon the dirt.

               “What a drama king,” Vic sighed and nudged Kellin gently in the side with his cleat. Kellin remained still.

               “Guess I’ll have to find a new boyfriend,” Oli said, walking over to where his mother was folding up her lawn chair.

               “You hanging out with Kellin for a bit yet, dear?” she asked as Oli picked up his soccer bag he had packed to get changed at his boyfriend’s. Friday nights had become their movie night, and Kellin had promised to introduce him to Rocky Horror.

               “Aye, we’re gonna watch a movie.”

               “11:00,” his mother answered, a warning in her voice.

               “I got it,” Oli answered, trying to keep himself from rolling his eyes. Why he needed a curfew when he would be on his own in a few months was beyond him.  

               Kellin was up and pouting at him when Oli returned with his bag. Oli exclaimed, “You seem to have survived! Hear that Rach? We’ll have to cancel our threesome.”

               “Awwww! Kellin you ruined it!” Rachel laughed as they walked to Vic’s beat up Aries.

               “When were you going to warn me of this threesome?!” Vic asked, looking to Rachel.

               Kellin agreed, “Yeah if there was going to be a threesome in this group it would have to be me, Oli, and Rachel. I’ve got Oli, and Oli bats for both teams and-“

               Vic covered his ears, “Stop talking about sharing my girlfriend!”

               “Either way, you and I still win the arrangement, I think,” Oli muttered to Rachel, who giggled.

               “Good thing for Vic I don’t share,” Kellin said, taking Oli’s hand the last few meters to the car.

               Oli gave him a quick kiss before saying to Rachel as they climbed into the back seat, “Sorry Rachel. Looks like I’m committed to monogamy.”

               Giving a melodramatic sigh Rachel then grinned and tugged at Vic’s hair as she settled in behind him with Oli in the middle as usual. “I guess it’s just the two of us babe.”

               “Well I could always ask that girl from Chemistry…”

               “I GUESS IT’S JUST THE TWO OF US RIGHT BABE?” Rachel reiterated, tugging his hair just a bit more.

               “Yes -OW- YES IT IS!”

               Sometimes if Oli thought about it, it seemed so strange to even think that a year ago he had still been in Sheffield, suicidal and hooked on vitamin K. Everything had changed so much. He was clean and sober, had a beautiful boyfriend whom he loved with every fiber of his being, had a group of great friends, and for once in his life felt like a normal eighteen-year-old.

               Vic rolled the windows down as they sped down the highway, clearing out the stench of sweat from the little car. Soon enough they were at Kellin’s house.

               “You kids have fun tonight! No hanky panky!” Vic called from his window, as Kellin and he walked the little stone steps up the driveway to the little ranch. Both of them turned and Kellin stuck his tongue out while Oli gave him the one finger salute.

               “My mom left us money for pizza,” Kellin announced as they walked into the cooler interior of the house. It had been hot and humid for April the last two days, and the weather man had been tracking storms approaching them from Chicago all day. Some had even produced tornadoes which left Oli both terrified and fascinated.

               “You know what I like. I’m going to go shower,” Oli announced, hauling his bag to the bathroom with him. In a lot of ways, he was more at home here than in his own house. It had only been recently with the warm weather that he had even dared to wear short sleeves around his mother, for fear of her seeing the now mostly faint scars that decorated the insides of his wrists. For the most part, the tattoos hid them, but up close you could see and feel them. Kellin was still the only one who could touch them and not make Oli flinch.

               “Can I borrow a shirt? I think Tom stole mine out of my bag,” Oli asked as he re-entered the kitchen to the smell of pizza, but didn’t see Kellin anywhere. “Kellin?”

               Peering about into the living room he saw his boyfriend through the sliding glass door, standing on the little porch and leaning on the railing. Beyond the fence of the yard Oli could see clouds so dark it looked as though night itself was approaching from the west. The sight made the hair on his arms stand on end.

               “Kellin?” he called softly when he opened the door.

               Immediately the blue eyes found him. “Hey baby. You got different plans for the evening…?” Kellin asked, raising an eyebrow at Oli’s half-dressed form.

               “Tom stole my shirt out of my bag. I was hoping to grab one of yours, but I didn’t know which one you wanted to lend me,” he explained, stepping out onto the deck. Earlier during their game there had been a slight breeze, but now the air the still and heavy, holding its breath for the coming storm.

                “I don’t know. I kind of like you just like this,” Kellin smirked and pushed off the railing. Oli stood still and allowed the feather fingers to trace all the colors and lines that adorned his body to cover his many scars. In front of anyone else he would have felt shy, but Kellin had seen him at his very lowest. It was a wonderous feeling, like that of flying for the first time, to have another being love him and find him so attractive despite all the abuse that had been doled out to him. “Gorgeous,” Kellin whispered before catching Oli’s lips in his own again.

               Oli was quite certain at this point, after much practice, that Kellin had to be one of the best kissers in the world. The things he could do with that tongue could have Oli begging in no time, this time being no exception. They hadn’t yet gone all the way, but Oli had vague hopes for soon, the boy before him driving his libido crazy at times. If only he could get his head straight. However, a flash of light and low rumble cause Oli to jump back. Kellin chuckled.

               “C’mon,” he said, pulling the tattooed boy inside. After getting Oli an old Metallica shirt, they grabbed their dinner and Oli followed Kellin out onto the front porch. “I swear you have half my clothing at this point.” Oli didn’t deny it. Really if Kellin would stop smelling so good then maybe he wouldn’t constantly abduct his clothing.

               “Shouldn’t we be hiding in the basement or a storm shelter or something else you Americans have for this sort of weather?” he asked, trying to hide the nerves he was feeling. It thundered once in awhile in Sheffield, but never anything violent or destructive. Kellin had made him watch the movie Twister a few weeks ago and it pervaded his thoughts now and again. By the time he had arrived last summer, they hadn’t really gotten any more major storms. He had never seen clouds as black as the ones now quickly approaching the back of Kellin’s home.

               The other boy didn’t seem the least worried. “The sirens will go off if there’s a tornado. We’re fine. Actually, it’s one of the few things I can remember doing with my dad.”

               “Chasing tornadoes?” Oli asked, taking a slice of pizza (his half having mushrooms and banana peppers, while Kellin’s had pepperoni, pineapple and ham).

               “No. Sitting out here and watching storms with him because when I was little, I was scared of them.”

               Oli nodded, listening and eating as they settled into the padded porch swing together. Kellin stretched his legs and tapped the railing with his toes, gently rocking them back and forth. Kellin rarely mentioned his father, and Oli didn’t want to interrupt him if he continued. When he didn’t, Oli offered, “We don’t have storms like this in Sheffield. Or at least if we get twisters they just blow a few branches down and that’s it.”

               The clouds continued to advance and soon the wind picked up. The air crackled with energy as the thunder became louder and sharper. Lightning leapt from cloud to cloud, and sometimes then to the ground. Oli tried to still his jumpiness, but like hearing the door slam and his father return to the flat, each flash of lightning, each roll of thunder seemed to wear on him. Kellin seemed to be enjoying it though, eyes watching the sky curiously like a decent rock concert. To his credit, Oli had been getting better with crowds and loud environments, but the unpredictability of the thunder and lightning made him abandon his pizza and curl his fingers around the edge of the swing. He refused to let his brain ruin something so simple as watching a thunderstorm with his boyfriend for them. Closing his eyes he tried the deep breathing exercised his psychiatrist had given him in a pinch.

               Suddenly there was an arm around his shoulders, grounding him.

               “Sorry baby. I forgot about the noise. You wanna go inside?” Kellin offered. Oli shook his head though and simply scooted closer, curling his long legs up and molding into Kellin’s side. He would not ruin this. Kellin let his arm drop to Oli’s hip, his thumb rubbing gentle circles under the shirt, while his other arm pulled Oli’s right leg onto his lap. In turn Oli let his head rest on Kellin’s shoulder.

               “It’s better like this,” he assured, using Kellin’s presence to ground himself.

               “And your leg? I saw you fall…” Kellin asked, massaging the formerly injured thigh gently, fingers gracing the scars that had been left from the emergency surgery when it had shattered.

               “A little sore when I got up, but I walked it off.” It had taken many hours of PT and quite a few trips to the doctor to be cleared to play soccer, but as his surgeon had said, Oli was young and healed rather quickly. It also helped to have Kellin nagging and pushing him to do the exercises on days when he was frustrated and sure he would never walk without crutches again.

               The sudden flashes and bangs were much less concerning with his boyfriend’s soft skin pressed to his own. Kellin was his rock, his muse, and the sun around which Oli seemed to orbit. It sounded gushy in his mind, but Oli was certain Kellin and he had been practically made for one another, pulled together by the universe’s magic. He hadn’t really believed in fate before this boy, but being with him now made him take another look and how the ley lines had pushed them toward one another until they pulled like magnets. Oliver was quite certain he would never tire of the boy he was leaning against.

               Rocky Horror did not happen that evening. The storm had managed to knock out the power, so they remained on the porch and chatted idly now and again, Oli now relaxed enough to enjoy nature’s spectacle. It was only thanks to Kellin that he got home on time, as time seemed to slip away from him when he was with the blue-eyed angel.

               After a few moments of making out in the porchlight of Oli’s home, he retreated indoors. He waved to his mother as he passed her bedroom on his way to his own, shedding his jeans and then curling up in bed. He kept the shirt on since it still smelled of the other boy.

               Distant lighting flashed out his window, but the thunder was low and far away at that point. His mind whirled about with things that weighed on it when he was alone: living with Kellin when the other boy attended college, hoping Kellin liked the surprise for his birthday, making sure they survived the rest of high school, and of course reanalyzing his day with the other boy. The thoughts swirled around his head as he closed his eyes, and the very last conscious thought he had was how when they lived together, they could be in the same bed all night long.

 

              

               Bacon was one of the best smells to wake up to, Kellin was sure. Bacon on his birthday was even better. It was already late morning when he got up. The air had cooled a little with the storms, but spring was definitely in full swing, leaves beginning to grow on the bushes outside his window. Today was going to awesome too. He was going to meet up with Vic, Rachel, and Oli to go down toward Detroit to play paintball, grab dinner with them somewhere, and Oli had promised a surprise that evening for just the two of them. Vic and Rachel apparently knew what it was, and Kellin had been trying the entire month to figure out what it was to no avail. He had expected it to be one of the best days from beginning to end.

               But when he walked out of his bedroom he could hear his mother’s muffled angry voice coming from her’s and Jeff’s room at the end of the hallway. He could hear Jeff humming in the kitchen, and assumed that was who was making brunch, and though Kellin was hungry, he didn’t like hearing his mother upset. Creeping back to the bedroom on silent feet he found the door half closed, and his mother sitting on the bed, turned away from him and nearly spitting into her phone.

               “No, he doesn’t want to see you. I’ve been telling you that for the past three years and this one isn’t any different. He doesn’t want to talk to you, and no, you can’t see him.”

               Confusion and dread crawled into Kellin’s stomach. Was she talking to who he thought she was…?

               “Jeuse, no. You can’t just waltz in and out of his life. You hurt us once and that was enough, thanks.” With that she took the phone away from her ear and sighed. Kellin felt his stomach clench. Did he confront her? His father had apparently been calling for the past several years to try and connect with them, but she had kept it from him. It felt as though his whole world had tilted in an instant. His mother and he had always had a pretty open relationship, and were honest with one another. Keeping a secret like this blew that perception out of the water.

               Before she could turn to see him, Kellin retreated to the kitchen, chewing his lip and thinking about what he had heard. Part of him wanted nothing to do with the man who had abandoned him when he was four. He didn’t need him then, so he didn’t need him now. Another part of him, the child that had cried, wondering when daddy was coming home, wondering why mommy was sad so much, was curious. What if his father was trying to rebuild the bridges he had burned. What if he could at least be on speaking terms with the man which whom he shared half his DNA.

               “Hey buddy! Happy birthday!” Jeff greeted as Kellin shuffled into the kitchen, still deep in thought.

               “Thanks,” he mumbled.

               Kellin found he almost couldn’t look at his mother when she came in the kitchen, his head and heart still grappling with what he had overheard. She seemed perfectly normal as they ate omelets and bacon, and Kellin opened the few multi-colored boxes stacked on the table. Some new clothes, a couple video games, and a few gift cards and a new case for his phone were stacked gently on the table when he finished. She even promised a slightly bigger gift later, but it was taking a while to get. He did his best to be sincere, because he really did appreciate it, but he just couldn’t see his mother in the same light now. Hopefully the afternoon and evening would get his mind off it.

               “Teams?” Rachel asked, as soon as Kellin slid into the seat next to her when Vic picked him up. Oli, who finally had gotten his license at the end of march with the healing of his leg would meet them at the paintball field with his mother’s car.

               “Ummmmm…haven’t given it much thought. We could round robin and play a couple games and just switch partners every time,” Kellin answered. “Why? What were you hoping for?”

               “I was going to call Oli,” she shrugged.

               “What?!” Vic exclaimed in mock hurt. Coming to a stoplight he looked back at her. “First a threesome and now you’re trading me in for tattoos. That’s it Kells. We need to break up with out SO’s. They’re clearly cheating on us with each other.”

               “Damn. We’ll just have to go to your uncle’s and get drunk and drown our sorrows,” Kellin offered.

               Rachel laughed. “The reason I want Oli on my team is cause he’s the only one of you three who’s actually shot a gun.”

               “Why am I always the last to know these things?” Vic lamented. “When did he shoot a gun?”

               “He shot his dad, remember?” Rachel said. “He told me later that his father used to make him practice when I asked him how he managed to empty a magazine into a target while he was bleeding out.”

               “Wicked,” Vic said, clearly impressed.

               “I try not to think about that day too much,” Kellin frowned. It really had been the worst day of his life, watching his boyfriend bleed out in his arms. The only time he was forced to revisit those terrible sensations was in his nightmares, which still woke him up at times.

               “Round robin sounds good,” Vic covered, reading Kellin. “Besides, obviously Rachel and Oli have no idea what’s coming to them when we team up.”

               Kellin gave him a grateful smile and bumped fists with him. It was true: they always had been the dynamic duo.

               The paintball field was inside an old Jello factory that had been repurposed. The local colleges used it to practice during the week, and matches were on Sunday, but on Saturdays they rented the field out by the hour. Donning long sleeved clothes and pants to otherwise protect their street clothes, Oli finally made his entrance. He was wearing Kellin’s favorite outfit on him: a sleeveless Drop Dead tank that Oli had made himself, along with his black, ripped, skinny jeans. It framed his tall figure effortlessly and highlighted his multicolored skin.

               “Happy birthday love,” he greeted, taking the shirt Vic offered him.

               “Thanks,” Kellin grinned, feeling his insides flutter, as they did whenever he saw the other boy.

               “Teams?” he inquired.

               “Round Robin,” Vic answered. “You and me vs. Kells and Rach first round.”

               “This will be short work then,” he said, checking his gun and winking at Kellin.

               “Oh it’s on now. Your ass is mine,” Kellin challenged.

               “Pretty sure my ass has _been_ yours since last October,” Oli retorted.

               “Don’t let him sweet talk you Kellin,” Rachel warned him. “We’re going to destroy them.”

               It turned out to be a fairly even match. Vic was first out, having been nailed by Kellin who could easily read the other’s moves. Two second later Oli had gotten Kellin when he had exposed himself to get Vic. This left Oli vs. Rachel. Oli was a skilled shooter, but Rachel was petite and could hide so well that the boy had a hard time getting to her. In the end, Oli had to get her right in the hand as she shot at him to get her out.

               “You got me right in the nipple,” Kellin accused, clutching his chest as Oli exited the field to get more paintballs, making the other laugh. “You know you’re going to pay for that right?”

               “Yeah but we’re on the same team this time, so you’ll have to wait for your sweet revenge,” he grinned. “Speaking of, how do you want to play it?”

               “I’ll cover you and you can go forward this time. Vic will be expecting me to come for him, not you.”

               “You’ll need to keep an eye on Rachel then. She’s really sneaky.”

               “You’re just afraid of short people,” Rachel said as she put her helmet back on, having caught the last of their conversation.

               Round two played out a bit differently. Oli did as they planned and went forward, sneaking down the side and catching Rachel by surprise. Kellin stayed behind one of the tall pillars, laying down cover fire, trying to figure out where Vic was. After being first one out last round, it appeared that Vic was determined not to be caught this time. It was too late when Kellin spotted him out of the corner of his visor, as Vic had taken aim. Kellin had no time to duck, and he cringed for the hit that never came.

               Looking over he saw Oli standing shaking his hand out like something stung him. He had apparently taken the hit for Kellin. As Oli joined Rachel outside the arena Kellin ducked back behind his pillar. Now that he knew where Vic was, it made things easier, and within the next few minutes he had shot Vic again.

               “Ok that wasn’t fair! You can’t use your boyfriend as a human sacrifice!” Vic complained.

               “I didn’t!” Kellin laughed, walking with him to the sidelines. “I totally thought you were gonna nail me and Oli came out of nowhere!”

               “Yeah came out of nowhere and tried to grab a paintball out of the air! Who does that? And why did you do that for him and not me?” Vic asked of Oli. Oli just gave a small smile and shrugged.

               “I like him more than you I guess.”

               Vic mockingly intimidated him, and added, “If we end up on the same team at any point in the future I expect more human sacrifice. In fact, I better see it at the next soccer game.”

               This had the other three laughing as they reloaded for the next round. That round was a much less even contest. Oli and Rachel had proven to be dangerous on their own, but Kellin and Vic had a sort of telepathy. Rachel was first out again, and then they advanced to corner Oli and take their revenge out on him. Vic got him in the head while Kellin got him on the ass. Kellin, thanks to his two wins, was declared overall winner for the day.

               “At least I aimed above the belt,” Oli accused, slipping off the long shirt spattered with paint.

               “Just wanted you to be real sure you knew who owns your ass,” Kellin grinned. “And, of course, every time you sit you’ll be reminded of that and who is the king of paintball.”

               “I’m regretting my sacrifice,” Oli deadpanned.

               “You should have let me shoot him. He’ll be gloating all night now,” Vic added.

               “Too bad I turned our guns in already,” Rachel sighed, wiping some of the paintball fluid from her hair and pulling it back into a pony tail.

               Kellin was still in high spirits when they grabbed dinner at his favorite burger joint. Vic and Rachel gave him their presents there as well. Vic got him a new Every Time I Die shirt, while Rachel got him a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble, both excellent gifts as far as Kellin was concerned. After splitting the slice of chocolate cake they had gotten for dessert, Oli said, “I guess it’s about time I gave you my gift. We’re going to have to drive there though.”

               At this Vic and Rachel shared a knowing smile.

               “You guys suck for not telling me,” Kellin said as they paid for their meals.

               “We didn’t want to ruin it. Especially since Oli worked super hard on it. Like he had to get input from us, well, mostly Vic, but still,” Rachel explained. It was warm again outside in the gravel parking lot, and the sun was red as it sunk into the horizon behind the haze of humidity. They would get more storms that night.

               “Alright I’ll trust you on that. Thanks for everything guys. This was amazing,” Kellin thanked, bumping fists with Vic and giving Rachel a hug.

               Oli had borrowed his mother’s white Audi, but Kellin had never driven in it. Even when he’d gotten his license, Oli preferred not to drive if he could get away with it. Vic had teased him that it was because he was used to things being on the left side of the road. Oli had divulged later to Kellin that it he didn’t want to wreck his mother’s car because she was worried with all the medications he was on making him too drowsy without him realizing. As much as he didn’t think they affected him too much, he didn’t want to prove her right.

               “Ok I have one more guess for you,” Kellin said, as they pulled out onto the highway.

               “Aye?”

               “It’s a fancy hotel, and we’re going to spend the night and finally go all the way.”

               Oli clenched his tongue between his teeth in his trademark smile. “That’s what your dick wants for your birthday. I’d rather get you something that you can keep with you to remember.”

               “I’m pretty sure I’d remember my first night with you.” Kellin’s heart flip-flopped as he watched Oli’s cheeks tinged rouge.

               “You’re wet,” Oli mumbled, guiding the car onto the thruway. Kellin rolled the window down and stuck his arm out to enjoy the warm air.

               “So, something I’d remember…some sort of momento then? Maybe something I have to wear? It needs to be fitted or something?”

               Oli’s head tilted back and forth like a metronome as he considered the guess. “You’re at least getting warmer.”

               “Promise rings?”

               “The fuck is a promise ring?” Oli asked, confusion on his face.

               “Its like this ring you wear when you promise yourself to someone else.”

               “So like marriage rings?”

               “Yeah but for dating.”

               “What’s the point. If you’ve promised and you mean it you might as well just get married,” Oli dismissed. “And no. Not promise rings. Or marriage rings for that matter.”

               Kellin went back to thinking, watching as Oli took the off ramp into a rather seedy part of Detroit. He rolled up his window. The neighborhood only got worse, and then got marginally better. Half the signs were in different languages, but at least there was less grass growing up between the sidewalk cracks.

               “You’re not getting me a hooker or anything are you?” Kellin joked to alleviate his nerves. Where the heck was Oli taking him? “I’m sorry I shot you in the ass. Please don’t leave me in an alley to die,” he added as Oli parked the car on a busy little market street.

               Chuckling, Oli got out, holding one of his little sketch pads, and took Kellin’s hand as he exited as well, making sure to lock the car. Kellin looked at the several little shops in a row, all with bars on their windows and was at a loss. Signs glowed in foreign languages, red and yellow, and Kellin was sure he saw dead ducks hanging in one of the windows. Where on earth were they going?

               In between the pawn shop and what Kellin assumed was an Indian restaurant based on the smells, Oli cut up a dark alley. Behind the pawn shop they came to a peeling side door with a red neon sign that Kellin couldn’t read. Oli seemed completely relaxed as he walked right in. Kellin’s jaw nearly dropped and his heart hammered even harder.

               Inside the little foyer it was clean with warm wooden floors, and Kellin followed Oli’s lead as he removed his shoes. There was a counter standing sentry with a young Japanese woman behind it. Looking up from her magazine she smiled at him.

               “Sykes-san. Mitsugi-san is expecting you. Go right on up the stairs.”

               “Thanks Kira,” he answered and without letting go of Kellin’s hand, brought him up to the second floor. Like the foyer it had wooden floors, and Kellin could smell the heady scent of incense. A young man lay on one of the many padded tables, gripping it tightly as another one seemed to be stabbing a stick into his back. The boy on the table’s face was held in a tight grimace. What was that other guy doing to him? Did Oli really think this looked like fun?

               “Oliver,” a lightly accented voice greeted them, and a middle-aged Japanese man came out of the back room and smiled at Oli.

               “Juju!” Oli grinned and they embraced in a hug. “This is my boyfriend Kellin, the one I told you about. He’s ready to be your next canvas.” It was then that everything clicked for Kellin.

               “You’re getting me a tattoo?!” he exclaimed, excitement and shock bursting through his veins.

               Turning, Oli remarked, “I told you it was going to be a bit more permanent than shagging for a night.” Then he held out the little sketch book he had been carrying. “You’ve only told me a thousand times you wanted me to design you a tattoo, so I picked Vic’s brain for what you might like. I made a bunch of different ones and you can either pick one I made for you, or if you hate them, Juju is great at picking stuff out for people.”

               “My mom is so going to kill me,” Kellin breathed, looking through the sketchbook. It was clear that Oli had spent a lot of time on each piece. Some pieces were simple, and other much more complex, but he would put the design on one page and then on the next place it somewhere on Kellin’s body to show what it would look like on him. Oli was usually quite shy about sharing his drawings, especially with the people he was drawing, but Kellin couldn’t help but feel his insides heat up at the very flattering pictures of himself. Was this what Oli saw when he looked at him? Because this is certainly not the person who stared back at him in the mirror when he brushed his teeth in the morning.

               “No, she won’t. I already talked to her about it. She knows you’ve wanted one forever, and being that I’m pretty covered, she thinks I’m an expert anyway,” his boyfriend informed him.

               “Seriously?”

               “Seriously.”

               “Shit, you are so fucking amazing,” Kellin beamed, flicking back and forth through the pages. Finally, he chose: The head of Poseidon in amongst the waves, bleeding into sun flowers and all sorts of creatures as the waves traveled down the arm. There was even a treble clef, Kellin saw as a funny inuendo as to what clef he sang on, hidden among the undulations.

               “So, you picked the biggest piece I drew?” Oli asked in surprise.

               “Yeah it’s the most badass, and I love it,” Kellin answered, bouncing on his toes in excitement.

               “Ambitious, with just the right amount of creativity for me,” Juju said, taking the sketch and turning it here and there. “You know we’ll need to do this in stages right?”

               “Yeah I figured it would be like my back piece,” Oli answered. “Start with the outline today and we can come back as needed to fill it in.”

               “Alright. Go ahead and lay down,” he said to Kellin, his older, leathery face looking at him much like he had seen Oli look at fresh pieces of paper before doodling on them.  “I will need to measure your arm.” Kellin laid down and was surprised by how comfortable the tables were. Juju had him shed his shirt and spent the next few minutes taking measurements before disappearing into the back room.

               Kellin looked over to the young man across the room, the face clouded in pain as the other artist worked on him. Suddenly he was nervous. How much was this going to hurt?

               As if reading his mind, Oli grabbed a stool and set it next to Kellin. He sat, blocking the process happening across the room, and took Kellin’s warm hand in his cold ones. “Don’t worry. I asked Juju not to hand poke it.”

               “It’s still going to fucking hurt, isn’t it?” Kellin inquired, trying to keep his voice smooth.

               “Mmmm…I remember it stinging a bit at the wrist, armpit, and around my elbow. The outline won’t be bad. It’s the colors and getting it filled in that hurt more in my opinion. Nervous?”

               “No…just…don’t go anywhere, ok?”

               Oli leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips, “Never.”

               Kellin had a new respect for Oli and his pain tolerance within the first ten minutes after Juju started the outline. It was hard to hold still, and he felt like he was going to break Oli’s hands if he squeezed any tighter. He needed a distraction, and fast.

               “Oli has told me how you did all of his tattoos in England,” Kellin breathed through a clenched jaw. “How did you end up in Detroit?”

               “Ah, yes,” Juju began, wiping excess ink from the tip of his instrument and going back to Kellin’s arm. “Has Oliver told you what I used to do?”

               “You were in charge of shipments for Oli’s dad, right?” Kellin answered, trying to remember through the pain.

               “Well after Sykes-san’s untimely departure, I decided to try and get out of the game. I was tired. I tried to open my own studio in London, but it was so expensive! Oliver kept in touch with me, and told me about Detroit. Much cheaper to live here and open a studio. I got my Visa and now I am here, and doing very well, much thanks to Oliver.”

               “Well I kind of owed you for all the work you did on me,” Oli joked. “You refused to let me pay you for it.”

               “An artist gets payed for commissions! You were a blank canvas that I got to do whatever I wanted to. An artist does not get paid for works he commissions for himself, except in the joy and action of creating. You are perhaps my greatest work of art.”

               “I can agree with that,” Kellin winced.

               “You both are gushy,” Oli rolled his eyes.

               Kellin took a sharp breath as Juju came to his elbow. “Keep talking… or doing…something…”

               “I’m shit at forced conversation, you know that.”

               “Think of something!” Kellin begged, holding his breath.

               “Let your breath out and breath normally. Holding it’s going to hurt more,” Oli commanded, so Kellin tried. He squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to be a baby about the pain but OHGODTHATLINEHURTAND-

               _Eyes like a car crash…I know I shouldn’t look but I can’t turn away…Body like a whiplash…Salt in my wounds but I can’t heal the way I feel about you…_

               Oli’s voice washed over Kellin and his mind latched on. It was so rare to hear Oli sing just for him (though he had made him sing that song he’d written for Kellin multiple times in the last few months) that it was easy to let it wash over him, a balm to pain and stinging in his right arm. His voice was low and full of emotion, raw in the same capacity that Kellin’s was sweet. After singing the song through a few times, Kellin was surprised to hear Juju announce that he was done for the day.  

               After letting Kellin look at it in the studio mirror, Juju wrapped it and sent them on their way with some cream and cleaning instructions, along with an appointment card for two weeks to start the shades.

               “I can’t believe I got my first tattoo started,” Kellin grinned at Oli on their way home. “And done by the same artist who did yours too!”

               “Well I wouldn’t let you go to just anybody,” Oli smirked. “I’m glad he’s around too. I was thinking of filling in my right arm.”

               “Filling it in?”

               “Yeah, like doing a blackout tattoo. I’ll show you a time when I decide what I want to do with it. For now, we just need to focus on yours. It’s going to take a bit to heal.”

               “Yeah, no long hot showers or anything. I know. How did you do it with all your tattoos?”

               “I just sponged off,” Oli answered. “I can always help you though.”

               “Shower together?” Kellin asked eagerly. “I mean we might make the water steam up anyway.”

               “That’s probably true,” Oli agreed. “I meant I would help you wrap it so you can shower though. You helped me all those times with my leg.”

               Kellin didn’t like to think about how shattered Oli’s leg had been, as inevitably he thought about holding off that femoral artery, hearing the other’s screams, and then watching him slowly bleed out. “My tattoo is much happier than your broken leg.”

               “So, I managed to surprise you then?”

               “Yeah. Completely,” Kellin smiled, his love for the boy next to him making his heart flutter.

               When they came back to Kellin’s house, Oli walked him to the front steps, and mindful of his now sore arm, held Kellin’s hips as they made out for several moments. “Remember not to sleep on that arm,” he said softly as they broke apart.

               “Aye captain. I love you.”

               “Love you too,” Oli echoed giving Kellin one more peck on the lips before stepping back off the porch, his well kiss swollen lips turned up at the corners that way they always did after making out. “Happy birthday love.”

               “Thanks,” Kellin said softly to the heavy, humid air as Oli got back in the Audi and drove slowly down the street. Kellin watched him go, the tight, in love feeling swirling around in his chest. A happy birthday indeed.

 

                Kellin quickly found how strange and uncomfortable it was to sleep on one side all night. He kept having to wake up and remind himself not to turn over. This in turn gave him plenty of time for his mind to return to the thought that his father had tried to reach him, that he’d wanted to connect. At first Kellin bristled at the idea; after all, his father had left him and his mother when he was four. In Kellin’s mind that was a neigh unforgivable offense. Still, the man had apparently been trying to reach him for the past couple years. What if he had gotten his life together and wanted to reconnect with his son? Kellin knew he hid it well, but there was always a little emptiness when he had seen loving fathers with their sons as he grew up. He tried very hard not to resent those people, but in the back of the selfish part of him, he knew that he did.

               Another part of him was angry at his mother from keeping this from him and not treating him like a mature individual who could make his own decisions as to whether or not he wanted a relationship with the man who had helped make him. As it was, he wasn’t quite sure what to do.

               Talking about it with his mother was out. Trust was a two way street, and if she didn’t trust him enough to talk to him about it, then he didn’t trust her opinion on the issue since she obviously wanted to decide for him. Oli would be his next thought, but considering what that boy’s father had done to him, and the fact that Oli had shot his father to death in defense, his objectivity would be skewed, in addition to likely triggering some bad memories. That left Vic, his oldest and truest friend. If anyone was going to understand his conundrum, it was him.

               Therefore, after showing his mother and step father his tattoo the following morning, Kellin texted Vic to hang out. Vic only lived a couple houses down in a bright blue sided two story home. It had a fenced in yard, and a pair of small dogs yapped at the door when Kellin hopped up the cement steps. Mr. and Mrs. Fuentes had just come back from church and were still dressed nicely when they greeted Kellin as if he lived there as well.

               “Ok, let’s see it. Which design did you go with?” Vic eagerly greeted as soon as he saw Kellin.

               Kellin slipped off his jacket gently. “Don’t touch it. It’s still sore,” he warned, seeing Vic’s fingers twitch to run over the black lines.

               “I knew you were gonna go for this one! I told Oli you’d love the water look. You should have seen him! He was all nervous you’d either balk at getting it done right then, or you’d hate his designs. Seriously, it would have been funny if he hadn’t looked like he was gonna cry every time he thought you might hate it.”

               “Really? He was so smooth about it too last night. Like I had no idea where we were going, and he drove us onto this super sketchy part of Motown and I was like ‘are we going to die?’ but he actually took me to HIS tattoo artist, who is like this little Asian dude. Super talented though. Did the whole outline for this thing in few hours.”

               “Did it hurt?” Vic asked in awe.

               “At first, definitely. You get used to it after awhile, but when he did around my elbow and my wrist I wanted to die. Thank God Oli was good at distracting me.”

               “Yeah, he is good at that,” Vic wiggled his eyebrows, causing Kellin to roll his eyes.

               “Like Rachel doesn’t distract you.”

               “Touche. So Fifa?”

               “Alright.”

               Settling into Vic’s room which Kellin knew nearly as well as his own, Vic turned the radio on and they started to set up the game. They even had their own designated controllers. In this capacity they could go for hours.

               Vic had won the second game in a row and got up for snacks when Kellin decided to ask him. Coming back with chips and the cool Mexican pop that Kellin could only get at Vic’s house he began. “I think I have an issue...”

               “I totally won those games fair and square- don’t blame you’re controller-“

               “No! Not the game,” Kellin gave a short laugh, not quite sure how to start. “I mean I want your advice with something.”

               “OOOoooohhh,” Vic said, flopping onto the bed, but refraining from picking up his controller yet. “What’s up?”

               Kellin explained in so many words what he had seen the morning of his birthday. “I don’t want to talk to my mom cause I’m kind of mad at her, but I don’t know if maybe I should reach out and see what the man wants. Or do you think I should just let it go?”

               Vic leaned back and looked up, thinking, his long locks slipping down his back. “I think if it was me, I’d want to know. I’d be curious. Maybe get the number off your mom’s phone and just text him? If he’s an ass, you can just block him, no harm done. Not that it’s worth anything, but maybe he’s trying to get better and wants to connect with his progeny and apologize. What does Oli think?”

               “I haven’t talked to him about it,” Kellin frowned.

               “Really?”

               “Well he shot his dad…”

               “Yeah…,” Vic said.

               “-so I don’t want to trigger any bad memories he has by picking his brain about my situation. And I feel like he probably wouldn’t have the most unbiased view, y’know?”

               “I guess not! I forget how intense his life was sometimes. Like how he has that PTSD and he just zones out…”

.

               “Yeah, at times, especially in the beginning, but he’s really been working hard on it, y’know? He has the occasional bad day where his depression flares up, but he’s been really good lately. Hasn’t had a bad day all month. And I don’t want to derail him with my problems.”

               Vic nodded, understanding. “I think you should text your dad, but maybe feel Oli out about it later. I know he’s been through hell, but dude is still pretty even keel. Like he doesn’t fly off the handle on the field, so I think maybe just ask him about your situation hypothetically and see what he says. Then you’ll know. I do that with Rachel sometimes so I know whether I’m going to get an answer from her brain or her emotions, cause sometimes when it’s her emotions, its more an explosion than a response.”

               “You’re a genius,” Kellin sighed in relief, and picked up his controller.

               After getting his ass kicked a third time Kellin gave up and was going to go home to start his book report when he got a text from Tom, and as soon as Kellin saw his name on the screen, he knew what it was.

               Swinging by his own house he grabbed his laptop and bookbag and let his mother know he wouldn’t be home for dinner likely, then borrowed Jeff’s truck to drive the half mile to the little ranch house with the crabapple tree in the front.

               “Sorry. I just figured since he wasn’t up by now, I should let you know. Mom’s out at a conference this weekend, but she left us food if you get hungry at any point, or if you can get him to eat anything.”

               “Yeah, no problem,” Kellin said. “You never need to be sorry about texting me like this. I get it. He still in bed?”

               Tom seemed relieved and nodded.

               Kellin let himself further into the house and poked his head into Oli’s room. It was clean and organized as usual, and instead of the usual blast beats and screaming coming through the little speakers Oli had set up on his nightstand, there was soft, acoustic rock from a band Kellin didn’t recognize. Oli was curled up on the bed with his back to Kellin, sporting Kellin’s black hoodie and sweatpants.

Watching him for a moment, Kellin tried to remember the last time Oli had had ‘A Day’ as they liked to call them; the days when Oli couldn’t make himself get out of bed and he felt like sunken ship, wrapped in cold water and drowned under the weight of his depression. On those days either Mrs. Sykes or Tom would text him, and Kellin would come over and sit with Oli until he felt more himself again. Sometimes Oli would divulge the thinking that had landed him in that state, and other times he would remain quiet, as he wasn’t sure what had brought him so low. Either way, Kellin remained steadfast, never pressing him for answers, and simply taking care of him as best he could, reminding himself that this too shall pass.

“Hey baby,” Kellin finally greeted as he sat on the edge of the bed, letting a hand drift gently through the dark cocoa locks which curled rebelliously at the ends.

The other boy turned his head, dull hazel eyes registering Kellin before he flipped fully to face him. “Hey,” he answered softly, averting his gaze. “Did Tom bug you? You didn’t have to come over. It’s just A Day.”

“Actually, I was going to come over anyway ‘cause Vic handed my ass to me three times in a row at Fifa, and I was not up to a fourth. You mind if I sit and do my book report with you?”

“If you want,” Oli shrugged, accent blurring some of the consonants.

“That is exactly what I want,” Kellin answered with a soft smile. He set about then propping up the pillows and arranging himself and his laptop, along with his English binder. Oli easily moved around him, Kellin using and arm to pull him a bit closer. He found that Oli seemed to do better when wrapped up and warm when feeling low.

With Oli leaning his head on Kellin’s left arm, pressed against his side, the raven-haired boy set to work on the book report (a boring non-fiction). Oli watched him with dark eyes, and though he appeared to be dazed, Kellin could nearly see the dark cogs of his mind turning over and over. Kellin knew he simply had to be patient though, a difficult task at times. He had found these days especially difficult at first, as he just wanted to shake his boyfriend and remind him of all the people who cared about him and to fill him with all the feverish adoration he held for the boy. But if anyone forced Oli to try and snap out of it, it made things so much worse. Therefore Kellin had learned to simply be present, wrap Oli in his arms or a hoodie or blankets, and stay with him as if it was no big deal until his boy came back to him.

By early evening Kellin was nearly done with his book report, and he could smell whatever Tom was cooking from the kitchen. Oli had somehow managed to cocoon the blankets around himself while simultaneously resting his head on Kellin’s shoulder. “Did you eat today?” Kellin asked, saving the document and shutting the computer. Oli simply shook his head.

“I’ll grab us something then. I’ll be right back.” Kellin knew better than to ask if Oli wanted to eat; the answer was usually no, as if Oli simply didn’t have the energy to take care of himself. Thus Kellin brought back enchiladas Ms. Sykes had left in a casserole dish for them, even making sure to mark Oli’s with little green toothpicks.

The dark clouds began to part halfway through their quiet meal together. “How is your arm feeling?” Oli asked between bite-fulls.

Kellin looked over to his tattoo, having forgotten about it while being focused on Oli. “It’s sore, but not too bad. I wrapped it in plastic like you told me when I showered this morning, sensei.”

At that Oli gave a little smile. “Have you been puttin’ the cream on it?”

“Ummmm…I did this morning?”

At that Oli rolled his eyes, set his mostly finished dinner aside and dug through one of his drawers till he found the little bottle he was looking for. “You need to do this at least three to four times a day love or it’s not going to stay bright or heal proper like.”

Without even asking Oli pulled the chair at his desk over and rolled up Kellin’s sleeve to reveal the beautiful outline. Kellin flinched, anticipating the pain and soreness that had occurred when he put the cream on after his shower that morning. “Steady there,” Oli murmured, as if gentling a foal. To Kellin’s surprise, Oli’s cool, practiced hands were kind as they spread a thin layer down. Kellin watched Oli’s bite his tongue in concentration, taking the time to study the sculpted face. Brown scythes of hair framed the diamond sharp cheeks and cast shadows along with the long eyelashes. Those hazel eyes were beginning to look alive again. Oli was definitely not everyone’s cup of tea, but even with his challenges, he was the exact flavor, strength, and temperature that made up Kellin’s perfect cuppa. Sometimes Kellin didn’t know what he had done that was great enough for karma to practically gift wrap this boy for him and send him to Kellin’s chemistry class.

“Want me to proof-read your essay?” Oli asked, breaking the silence as he applied the last bit of cream to Kellin’s wrist.

“Yeah! I feel like I make so many typos ‘cause I’m not paying attention when I type,” Kellin said enthusiastically, knowing Oli must have been feeling much better to offer.

Opening the lap top and settling next to Kellin, the light reflected off his eyes as he skimmed through the words, making corrections as he needed to.

“Can I ask you a hypothetical question?”

Oli paused and raised an eyebrow at Kellin in askance. “I guess…”

“If you could start over with your dad, would you?”

“Like get a do over of my relationship with him?”

“Yeah, like before he turned all nasty and shit. Like and he might not be that way if you got the do-over.”

Oli frowned, pausing in his work. “No. He’d always been kind of an ass. I might one day forget him, but I’ll never forgive him. He cut me up too badly for that. He’s on the blacklist.”

“Even if he turned out to be nice? Like, do you ever feel like your missing out on some of those things fathers share with their sons?”

Amber eyes studied him for a moment before responding, “I know I’ll miss out on that shit but who needs it? It’s just society making made-up standards that no one can live up to. Nobody really needs it. Honestly, you don’t miss a bastard when you’re bearing his fucking cross, and that’s what sons end up doing for their fathers. I guess my answer is no, overall. People turn out fine without their dads. I mean, you definitely did. Meanwhile, I had my father and thanks to him I’m a train-wreck half the time, and some form of functioning disaster for the rest of it. Better off without him, for sure.”

Kellin absorbed the response, nodding. So that was Oli’s response: Fathers weren’t needed, and Kellin was better off without his. He had a point, but he was also coming from a very negative place, and Kellin couldn’t bring himself to confide what he’d found out.

“What brought this about?”

The ebony-haired boy shrugged. “I was just thinking the other day, since mother’s day is coming up and all, and then father’s day after it. Curious what you thought.”

Oli seemed to accept that answer, nodding and turning back to the book report.

Later that evening, after Oli thanked him in his own mildly embarrassed way that he did whenever he had ‘A Day’, Kellin drove home. His mother and Jeff were in the living room, watching some sort of TV. Retreating down the hall after chatting with them for a moment he slid into his mother’s room and saw her phone was on her nightstand, charging as usual on nights she had off. With a glance toward the door to make sure he didn’t hear the sound of anyone stirring, he picked up the device and scrolled through until he found the unlabeled phone number attached to the time that Jeuse had called. Taking out his own phone he took a picture of the number.

In the privacy of his room, Kellin stared at the number on his phone, flipping back and forth between choices. On the one hand, Oli was right. He had turned out pretty good without his father, and trying to fit his father into his life now might just give himself more baggage. On the other hand, perhaps his father had cleaned up and was ready to actually ready support his son, and do all those things that Kellin felt he had missed out on. With a deep breath he opened up his messages.

Number 1: Hey. I got this number off of Mom’s phone. It’s Kellin.

               For several moments there was no response, and Kellin felt his heart deflate. Maybe his father didn’t have texting? Maybe he really didn’t want to talk?

Number 2: Kellin! I’ve been trying to talk to you for the past few years. I can understand why you mother didn’t want me to, but I really wanted to connect with you and talk. Not just to apologize of course, but to know how my son has turned out. What made her change her mind?

Number 1: She didn’t. I overheard her conversation and I wanted to know why you were trying to contact us. Now I know I guess.

Number 2: I know you must have so many mixed feelings about talking to me. Is it ok if we meet and I can answer anything you want? I have a track phone so I only get so many texts and minutes. Then you can decide if you even want me in your life.

               Kellin pressed the phone to his chest, debating. Did he really want to see this guy? He thought of his mother’s reaction, or even Oli’s reaction and felt his chest tighten. Neither of them would be terribly thrilled. But if his dad did turn out to be sincere, it would be good, and they could get used to it. His mother would learn to live with it; it was her own fault she kept this from him. And Oli…he had trod through hell for that boy. Surely, he wouldn’t be unreasonable about this. He wasn’t exactly the jealous type anyway.

Number 1: Fine. When and where?

 

               After going back and forth a few times, they agreed on Saturday evening in two weeks, as that was when Jeuse would be back in town. He apparently travelled a lot for work. Kellin would have to ask what he did.

               Setting his phone in his charger he couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotions. Elation was at the forefront: he might actually be able to get some answers as to why his father left and where he had been all this time. On the other hand, he felt badly for the idea of deceiving his mother and Oli over the next couple of weeks. Wrestling with his conscience he reasoned that they would understand after they had met. Maybe they would even be happy for him. It would work out. It would work out.

 

 

               Despite the low on Sunday, Oliver was feeling better that week. He hated when those days hit him, and sometimes it took a few days to feel completely back to his usual self. Part of it was just embarrassment from being at the mercy of his brain while Kellin tried to make him feel better. His boyfriend was never more sweet and caring than when Oli was low, but the brunette often felt bad afterward that Kellin was forced to take care of him when Oli forgot how to do it for himself. Kellin had reassured him on multiple occasions that he liked being able to tend to him, but there was a small part of Oli’s mind that still nagged him for being a burden in those moments. Thankfully those days had been few and far between after his father had died.

               The nagging portion of his brain returned when Oli realized that Kellin was subdued that week. He had asked on multiple occasions if everything was alright, only to be reassured with a smile and kiss that Kellin was just preoccupied with deciding on colleges and thinking about the future. Oli could understand that, but something in Kellin’s pressured responses struck him as odd. This in turn took up Oli’s thoughts, so much so that he nearly missed being stalked at soccer practice later that week.

               He didn’t see them until they were on their cool-down run. Jogging easily next to Vic he saw the two boys out of the corner of his eye. They were standing beyond the chain-link fence in the bushes that separated the field from the parking lot, and they seemed vaguely familiar.

               It was cloudy and cool out, but Oli was still sweating from practice, and he heard the hitch in Vic’s breath when he nudged him through his long sleeved under armor. Vic gave him a questioning glance and Oli lifted his chin to point out the two boys. “They’ve been there a while,” he panted.

               Vic looked up the incline and squinted, frowning to himself before realization dawned on him. “’s those guys from the last game. Maybe scouting us when they play use again for the championship in a couple weeks?”

               As soon as the words left Vic’s mouth, Oli realized who they were as well. “I’ll be fucked. One of those tossers is the guy who knocked me down the other night.”

               “That’s definitely no good then. Good thing I’m driving you home. Two is better than one.”

               Oliver nodded, focusing back on their running. But as they left, both boys noted that the visitors had left. They wondered at it until that following Monday when they were walking to their lockers after Jazz band and people kept looking at Vic and snickering.

               “Do I have something on my face?” he asked Oli, running a frustrated hand through his lengthy hair.

               “No. This is freaking me out though. Like what do they know that we don’t?” Oli wondered, disgust and confusion infiltrating his tone.  He was used to getting looks because of his tattoos, but Vic usually garnered attention through his humor, especially when he was with Kellin, not from just walking down the hallway.

               It was Rachel who enlightened them to the situation. She had been waiting nervously at Vic’s locker since she had arrived, biting her lip ring and playing with her phone.

               “Hey babe,” Vic said cautiously when he saw her.

               “You’ve been hacked,” she cut right to the chase, giving him a sympathetic look from under her fringe.

               “Hacked how?”

               Immediately she held up her phone to show him, and Oli looked over his shoulder and bit his lips to stop himself from laughing. On the facebook post was a photo of a younger Vic, perhaps fifteen or sixteen, making out with a tree in someone’s backyard. He was clearly sloppy drunk in the picture, and there was a beer can toppled over at his feet. Vic stared at the picture, mortified.

               “I thought I got rid of all the evidence from that night! No one besides Kellin and some of the soccer team knew I tried to make out with a tree!”

               “What’s going on?” Kellin’s higher voice greeted them.

               “Someone is spreading my drunk tree kissing around,” Vic exclaimed, taking Rachel’s phone and showing him the picture.

               Kellin struggled not to laugh, but with the mortified look on Vic’s face he visibly sobered. “Dude, I haven’t seen this picture in forever! And whoever did it posted it from your facebook too.”

               “That’s what I mean! He’s been hacked,” Rachel said, rubbing Vic’s arm sympathetically.

               “When was this even taken? Your hair is so much shorter…” Oli asked, looking at the picture again.

               “We went to one of varsity parties when we were freshmen,” Kellin explained. “I was too scared to get drunk, but Vic wasn’t, and he ended up making out with a tree and me and a couple of the soccer guys got pictures. Vic asked us to destroy them afterward, and we did. I really don’t know how someone got a hold of this,” Kellin explained.

               The snickering and laughing continued throughout the next couple of days. Even Rachel had become the butt of some of the jokes, people saying that with her hair maybe Vic had mistaken her for a small bush. Oli had never really seen Vic angry, and he was usually the most lighthearted of their group, but the comments brought a whole other being to surface. At one point Vic had threatened to lay a beating on the next person who mentioned any kind of shrubbery to Rachel or him.

               Oli and Kellin did their best to alleviate Vic’s situation. Kellin was excellent at distracting Vic and Rachel when he saw people that might come up to him and say something to either. Oli was less good at that, but made up for it in being intimidating, glaring at anyone who even thought about laughing at the couple in their presence.

               The following week was even worse when a picture of Vic with his drawers dropped and streaking at what must have been the same party surfaced. Oli felt absolutely gutted for him, and made a point to stay with him when Kellin and Rachel weren’t around so that he wouldn’t be alone while going through such a humiliating time.

               The real question that Oli and Kellin discussed when Vic and Rachel weren’t there was finding out who was doing it. They had originally thought of Vic’s younger sisters, but as annoying as they were, even _they_ weren’t that mean. Oli had checked the entire soccer team, using his best impression of his father as he intimidated them into confessing, but came up empty. Kellin even checked with Rachel’s other friends, but had no luck with them either.

               It wasn’t until that Friday when Oli was able to put two and two together. Their soccer game was at their home field against one of the worst teams in the league, but Vic still seemed to be struggling. Oli had passed him the ball several times, only to have Vic miss it, or have it stolen from him directly afterwards by a defenseman. By half time he was benched. Oli and Vic’s cousin Mike were the most concerned, and despite the change up in their usual front line, they managed to eek out a victory. But it was also during that half that Oli noticed the two familiar boys sitting up on the field, laughing. Oli was not a naturally vengeful person, nor was he typically angry, but the sight of the two boys laughing filled him with rage.

               As soon as the final whistle blew he surreptitiously made his way over to the chain-link fence, hopped it and made his way around the bushes to the two boys who hadn’t noticed him and were still laughing.

               “Did you see him almost trip over that defense?”

               “Oh man yeah! And the way he couldn’t receive worth shit?”

               “Told you those pictures were worth it!”

               “You think you’re really fucking funny don’t you,” Oli growled, fingernails pressing into his palm as his hands curled into fists.

               The two boys jumped up, surprised to see Oli glowering at them.

               “Fancy feet,” the one who had shoved Oli before spat.

               “What, you’re such piss poor players that you can’t beat Vic on the field so you went after his social life? What a bunch of sore loser wankers.”

               “Fuck you,” the other boy growled. “And your gringo friend.”

               At this Oli grabbed the one boy’s shirt. “Call him that again and I’ll put this cleat so far up your ass you could use the laces for floss.”

               “Oli, what the hell?!” Vic called, running up the hill quickly followed by Kellin. Rachel waited down by the fence.

               Oli turned his head toward Vic and menaced, “These are the tossers who found those pictures of you and hacked your facebook. Jealous little cunts because you embarrassed them on the field and-“ He didn’t get to finish as the other boy landed a swift cross on the tattoo’s boy’s face, sending him staggering.

               Vic was there first and landed his own punch on that same boy in retaliation. “You sons of bitches!” he fumed. He raised a fist to land another but seeing Oli recover and Kellin join in, the two boys cut their losses and ran. Vic followed them for a few feet, but couldn’t run properly on the black top in cleats and watched them disappear through the sea of cars.

               “You ok?” Kellin asked Oli as soon as he made it up the hill, inspecting the quickly forming bruise on his boyfriend’s jaw tenderly.

               “Yeah love, I’m fine. They’re just a bunch of cunts.”

               “You should have grabbed me or Vic,” he gently remanded. “Two on one isn’t a fair fight.”

               Oli just shrugged. “I just didn’t want them to get away. I was just going to tell them off, when I got up here and they were having a go and laughing about how shitty Vic’s week must have been like because of them. But then they called you a fucking gringo and I lost my temper,” he explained, eyes flicking to Vic as he returned. “Now that we know that it’s them, I doubt they’ll do the same thing again.”

               Vic gave him the most grateful look he had given all week. “Thanks man. You didn’t need to do this but…thanks. I know I played shitty today too.”

               Kellin interjected, “Really? I thought you were just helping the other team feel better because they were so bad.”

               Vic laughed at that. “They were pretty bad to still lose when I was playing at my worst.” He took a deep breath. “Thank you both for this week, by the way. I know you’ve both being doing some quality control and trying to cheer Rachel and me up, and…and I just wanted to say I appreciate it.”

               “Don’t get wet on us Vic. I’m not ready for the first sign of the apocalypse,” Oli teased, taking Kellin’s warm hand as they walked together down the hill.

               “Wet?”

               “It means gushy and romantic,” Kellin informed his best friend with a smile.

               “Ah well, in that case I’ll save my man-hug for another day,” Vic grinned back, leaving Oli with the feeling that all was right again.

 

 

               “This isn’t your mother’s car,” Oli said rather skeptically when Kellin picked him up the next day. It was warm and seasonable, and the boy was practically bouncing up and down in the driver’s seat when Oli slid into the passenger side of a slightly rusted black cougar.

               “I know! Mom and Jeff got it for me for college! It was apparently supposed to be for my birthday, but they couldn’t pick it up till this morning. Check it out! It’s got a cd player and an aux outlet…” Kellin babbled about the new used car, watching Oli simply grin at him as he went on and on. It really had been a surprise when he got up that morning to take Oli in to the city to get his tattoo worked on and to see this thing sitting in the driveway. It came at the perfect time too; now he wouldn’t have to borrow Jeff’s truck with some excuse in order to go visit his father that evening.

               They had finally watched Rocky Horror Picture Show last night, so Kellin plugged in his ipod to listen to it all the way to Detroit, leaving Oli in stiches as he sang ‘The Time Warp’ at the top of his lungs.

               “Are you sure you don’t want to go into theatre or music?” Oli asked as they travelled through the seedy part of town again.

               “’Cause of my fantastic voice?” Kellin beamed at him, fluttering his eyes flirtatiously despite his sunglasses.

               “That, and how dramatic you are,” Oli teased back.

               Kellin put a hand to his heart, “You wound me sir.”

               “I’ll just have to think of a way to make it up to you then,” the tattooed boy played along. “Maybe something really expensive, like a sleeve tattoo.”

               “That is the only thing that will satisfy me,” Kellin sniffed, double making sure to lock the car before heading to the alley, which looked a lot less scary in the daylight.

               Oli had been warning him that getting the color and shading done was ten times worse than the outline, but Kellin had done his best to block out those thoughts. Now they came flooding back as they ascended the narrow staircase to the studio. Juju was working on a man that Kellin thought rather looked like he could be a sumo wrestler. His nimble, practiced hands brought the stylus over and over into the man’s back, poking the color in. To his credit, the man wore a pinched expression, but gave no verbal clue as to how painful it was, as opposed to the young man a couple weeks before.

               Taking Kellin’s warm, sweaty hand in his cold one, Oli lead them over to sit on the furthest work table and watch, chatting idly back and forth with Juju. The burly man didn’t say a word when Juju finished, instead ambling downstairs after Juju covered the tattoo, which when glimpsed, reminded Kellin of the fox on Oli’s back, covering the nine lashes from his father.

               “This will be worth it, right?” he joked to Juju, trying to alleviate his nerves as he watched the man set up.

               “I suppose it depends on how much you want it,” the man answered seriously, which made Oli laugh for some reason.

               “You are not allowed to laugh,” Kellin snapped.

               Oli gave him a soft kiss on the forehead and bit his own lips together to keep from laughing. “It’s alright love. Juju will tell you I cried when he did my ribs a tad.”

               “He cried quite a lot, because he is a little girl,” Juju said with a straight face, making Oli chuckle again. It left Kellin feeling as though he was missing the context to their obviously shared humor. Brits!

               Within moments of starting, Kellin wanted to beg to go back to just outlines. Like last week, he knew he just needed to get into a rhythm, adjust to the pain through distraction, and looked desperately at his boyfriend. “Tell me what you miss about England,” he blurted, trying to think of something, anything through the blur of stinging on his arm as Juju filled in the spaces he had outlined.

               Oli seemed surprised by the question, and gave Kellin’s hand a gentle squeeze as he considered it. “Mmmm…hobnobs. The vegan restaurant in Sheffield- they had this Kentucky fried tofu that I really fancied. Hard to get stuff like that here sometimes. The weather too. The snow and temperature here are really crazy. Feels like I’m in the arctic sometimes. I miss the people sometimes too. Not really anyone in particular, but the culture y’know?” He paused, and Kellin squeezed his hand back, letting Oli’s voice calm him a bit. “Actually sometimes I think about visiting, but I’d want to take you with me.”

               “Really?” Kellin opened his eyes at that.

               “Yeah. I’ll take you to London, and then out to the country where all the toffs live. I think you’d like the moors. It’s really lonely and desolate out there, and I used to spend time out there as a kid.”

               “Do I get to see the queen?”

               “What, you think I know her personally?”

               “Don’t all of you?”

               Oli rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll take you to Buckingham.”

               “What about fish and chips? Can I get that?”

               Scoffing with good nature, his boyfriend replied, “Yeah I’ll get you some fish’n’chips.”

               They kept up their banter for two hours before Kellin and Juju needed a break, and Oli excused himself to the bathroom on the first floor. Running a hand through his sweaty ebony locks, Kellin took a peek at his arm and was pleased, despite the blood.

               “It is nice to see Oliver smile,” Juju stated as he cleaned a bit of his equipment, and massaged out his hand.

               “Yeah, I can’t imagine he smiled much with his dad around,” Kellin answered in a soft tone, thinking of how miserable Oli had been when they first met.

               “He didn’t smile at all. Used to float around like a spirit without a shrine, all thin and worn out. No, the first time I saw him smile was two weeks ago with you. I am glad he has someone in his life he smiles for. It is important,” Juju said in his strange, broken English accent. His words made Kellin’s heart flutter as he felt the weight of Oli’s happiness rest within him. Vaguely he wondered what would have ever become of his boyfriend had they never met. Could anyone else have made Oli smile? Hopefully they never had to find out.

               “Well it helps that he’s extra hot when he does it,” Kellin said, trying to lighten the mood.

               “I’m extra hot when I do what?” Oli asked, re-entering the room. Maybe it was the pain, but his black ripped jeans, the way they hugged his long legs, were making Kellin swoon a bit.

               “Do anything really, but we were specifically discussing your smile if you need to know.”

               This caused the corners of Oli’s lips to lift in a shy grin, and he rubbed the back of his neck as he took his seat beside Kellin once again. “Rubbish…”

               “Not rubbish,” Kellin grinned back and winced when Juju started again. He was doing the inside of Kellin’s arm and it was particularly sensitive, leading him to inadvertently try and break Oli’s fingers.

               Oli seemed to take it in stride though and ran a hand through Kellin’s hair and sang softly.

               _What doesn't kill you, Makes you wish you were dead, Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper, And I can't take, One more moment of this silence, The loneliness is haunting me, And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up…_

               “This is not a very uplifting song,” Kellin ground out, taking several short breaths.

               “You want me to distract you or not?” Oli paused.

               “Yes…yes keep going…”

               _It comes in waves, I close my eyes, Hold my breath and let it bury me, I'm not OK and it's not all right, Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again, Who will fix me now?, Dive in when I'm down?, Save me from myself, Don't let me drown, Who will make me fight?, Drag me out alive?, Save me from myself, Don't let me drown…_

               “I think that’s the first one you’ve written for me that wasn’t a love song,” Kellin panted, his eyes trying to convey the questions he wanted to ask.

               Oli just shrugged though and said, “Just about being lonely and shit, and having no one to help. Thankfully I have you.”

               “Damn straight you have me,” Kellin grinned.

              

               After another two hours the upper arm was finally done, and Juju released them. Oli treated them to lunch on the way home since all the pain had left Kellin starving. It also gave Kellin an opportunity to make sure Oli was eating, and not skipping meals as he was prone to do. The sun was beginning to sink lower when Kellin dropped Oli off, the crabapple tree casting twisted shadows across them as Oli kissed him for several delicious moments before saying goodbye.

               Kellin’s stomach clenched as he reversed out of his driveway. Why was he so conflicted about this? It wasn’t as if he was going behind Oli’s back to see his father. It was more like he was simply withholding the information until he was ready to tell it. Then why did he feel so bad? Probably because he knew that if Oli or his mother, but mostly Oli, knew where he was going, he would be upset at Kellin for going alone. He had thought of asking Vic to come with him, but he had a date with Rachel that evening, so Kellin didn’t even bother to ask.

               Reasoning that he was being extra careful by arriving early at the little diner outside of Detroit, he walked in and found a table to himself. He ordered a water, still thirsty from sweating through the grueling four hours of tattooing, and texted back and forth with Oli as he waited anxiously.

               QUINNTESSENTIAL: Did you look at our chem homework yet?

               SYKED: I’ll do it tomorrow night. Why?

               QUINNTESSENTIAL: Angela said it was super hard and now I’m nervous. Apparently it’s like a review for our quiz on Wednesday ☹

               SYKED: I’ll help you study after practice Tuesday…you’ll be fine. You’re smart.

               QUINNTESSENTIAL: I is kind…I is smart…I is important…

               SYKED: What? XD

               QUINNTESSENTIAL: Now I know what we’re watching next Friday 😉

               SYKED: Is there dinosaurs in it?

               QUINNTESSENTIAL: No, but you’ll still like it.

               SYKED: Is it at least action?

               “Kellin?”

               The boy looked up to see a middle-aged man with the same blue eyes that stared back at Kellin when he looked in the mirror each morning.

               “That’s me,” he answered trying to keep a straight face, a dam holding back the river of emotions flowing through him.

               “You have the same smile I remember,” the man said as he sat across from him. Kellin hadn’t even been aware he had been smiling, but conversations with Oli tended to do that.

               If his father didn’t have the same blue eyes, Kellin would not have recognized him though. His memories of his father had been a tall, strong man who worked a blue collar job, and could easily lift Kellin up and down as he usually did when he returned home. The man who sat before him was about the same height as Kellin, dressed in an expensive suit that was wrinkled slightly, as if he had just stepped off a plane. His memories of the man were admittedly blurry, but to be fair, the last time he’d seen him was when he was four.

               “You’ve changed,” Kellin stated.

               The man chuckled nervously, “Yeah, I definitely don’t work at the factory anymore.”

               “What do you do?”

               “I’m a travel agent, of sorts. I arrange travel for clients and their products,” he said, waving a hand vaguely. The waitress interrupted them, and took Jeuse’s drink order, along with their meal orders as well. “I suppose you have so many questions,” Jeuse started again guiltily after she had left.

               “Just two really,” Kellin said, sitting back, speaking as though he hadn’t been thinking of them all week. “Why’d you leave us, and why are you trying to get in touch with me now?”

               The man sighed, and suddenly he looked much older. He had obviously been expecting at least the first half of that question. “How much did your mother tell you about our split?”

               “That you fought all the time, and neither of you were happy, and you just left,” Kellin summed up.

               “She’s right that we fought all the time, but it was about a lot of things. A lot of it was financial. She wanted me to go for a promotion and move up in the factory, but I was very unhappy there. I felt like a failure for not being able to provide for both you and her. I know she wanted to go back to nursing too. Things were a mess. I knew that if I quit my job to look for something new, I would just be a financial burden. I had also looked at the tax codes, and I knew she would actually make more as a single mother working, than if I stayed, so I knew I had to go. Your mom needed someone who wasn’t me, and I knew that. I might have left earlier but we had you. And leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.”

               “So you left so we would be better off, at least for money?” Kellin asked in a confused tone. This was not the answer he had expected. He had anticipated something like the constant fighting, wanting to be free of his mother and him, but not leaving in order to better both Kellin and his mother’s lives.

               “Essentially. I quit my job and left your mother with the last two weeks of pay, and then I bounced around for awhile in the Midwest. Tried to find something I was good at. Finally got an opportunity with this company, and I’ve been trying to connect with you because I wanted to make sure you were doing well, and I loved you. I wanted to see the person you’d become.”

               “And mom didn’t want you seeing me?”

               “To be fair I know I have hurt your mother and you, and I don’t think the words ‘I’m sorry’ will ever heal that. I know your mother was just protecting the both of you from being hurt again. But hurting you is definitely not my intention. I was hoping we could at least know each other a bit, and you can control how much we see each get to know one another, and whether or not you even want me in your life. If that’s ok with you?” he asked, sincerity in his face as well as his voice.

               Kellin nodded, digesting the information. The waitress came with their food, though Kellin had only ordered a slice of pie since he had eaten lunch with Oli. His father hadn’t left to spite them, and though it wouldn’t heal the years of abandonment, Kellin felt a weight lift in him a bit. He had always thought it was something his mother or he did that made his father leave, and that feeling had turned into cold resentment over time. Now, with this new information, it dissipated. It didn’t mean he was going to let his father off the hook. It would be awhile until he trusted him with anything, but maybe they could at least get to know each other.

               “Yeah, I guess. Ok. It might be nice to know someone I share half my DNA with,” Kellin answered, trying to sound casual. At that his father grinned and he let out a breath in relief.

               “Ah, tell me everything then! How is school? Sports? Girlfriend?” Kellin hadn’t expected him to be so into his life, and felt his heart lighten at the attention. All these years he’d thought his father hadn’t cared, but here he was, wanting to know all he could about his son.

               “Um, it’s ok. I’ve been accepted at a couple colleges, but I’m still deciding on which one.”

               “What are you going for?”

               “Not a hundred percent sure, but I was thinking of nursing, like mom. Or business. I like science and math. I like helping people, I guess. Not any good at sports, but I cheer Oli and Vic on at their games. They play soccer on the varsity team.”

               “You’re still friends with Vic?” His father inquired.

               “Yeah, we’ve been best friends forever now. Rachel, that’s Vic’s girlfriend, calls us the best dynamic duo in the school.”

               “Ah, that’s great! Is Oli one of your friends too? I’m sure you’ve got lots of them…”

               “Ah not really,” Kellin said, playing with his bangs. “I mean it used to be just me and Vic, and sometimes Rachel until this past fall when I met Oli. He’s my boyfriend,” he said, as if gingerly letting an atom bomb out of a plane.

               Jeuse didn’t miss a beat though. “Really? What’s he like?”

               “Oh um…” How did one describe the love of their life? How could he describe the warm feelings that rushed through his veins every time they were together, the way Oli’s talented fingers felt on his skin, the sensation of making out and touching that gorgeous frame, the unending depth in those haunted hazel eyes? Badly, apparently. “He’s really great.”

               “So, he’s good to you? What’s he look like?”

               “Yeah, we’re good for each other, I think. He’s a bit taller than me, brown hair, hazel eyes and…here,” Kellin said, pulling out his phone and showing his father his favorite picture of Oli, taken last fall when they went to the orchard together. Oli had made a dandelion crown for Kellin, but was wearing it for the picture. The corners of his eyes were crinkled in laughter, white teeth showing, eyes alive and shining with the autumn sun.

               “Is that a tattoo?” Jeuse asked curiously, handing back the phone.

               “Yeah he’s got a rose on the front of his neck and…well…he’s got them all over. In fact, he designed mine,” Kellin said. “I’d show you but I just had it worked on, so it’s all wrapped up.”

               “That sounds wicked. Who knew my son would be such a badass compared to his old man.”

               “No tattoos?”

               “I was always too much of a chicken to get them. I always heard they hurt a lot.”

               “Naw, they’re not too bad,” Kellin chuckled with a bit of bravado at the complement.

               Time flew as they chatted, until Kellin’s phone buzzed a reminder that his mother would be home in awhile, and if he was going to keep this going, he needed to get home before her.

               “Can I see you again soon?” Kellin found himself asking.

               “You want to?” His father asked, and Kellin almost felt bad for the raw elation on the man’s face.

               “Yeah. I’d like to know where I come from and stuff.”

               “Well I have a trip this week, but I’ll be home next Saturday. Why don’t you come over to my apartment? I’ll text you the address. It’s a little bit more relaxed than here.”

               “Alright,” Kellin smiled as they walked out into the gravel parking lot and to their respective cars. “Sounds good.”

               “And Kellin?”

               “Yeah?”

               “I’ve missed you.”

               “I…I missed you too dad.” They shared one last glance before Kellin couldn’t take it, and climbed into the cougar and turned it out onto the open road. Digesting everything that evening, he texted Vic back and forth to tell him.

               VICTORY: So he didn’t seem like a creep?

               QUINNTESSENTIAL: Not really. I mean he was wearing a suit, but it sounds like he’s got a cool job and he gets to travel a lot. Didn’t even flinch when I told him I have a boyfriend.

               QUINNTESSENTIAL: I’m going to see him next week too.

               VICTORY: Not gonna nag you, but you should tell your mom or Oli.

               QUINNTESSENTIAL: I will if next week goes well. I don’t wanna tell them prematurely and then have them freak out all over the place. If I tell them I’ve already been to his flat, they’ll be more chill.

               VICTORY: If you say so…

               Kellin frowned at his phone. Surely, they had kept bigger secrets that this from their parents. Right? But he knew it was one of those things where it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission. At least, he hoped it was.

 

 

               Oli ran his pencil over the same line on his drawing pad for what felt like the thousandth time in a row, his mind tumbling with the ebony haired boy’s image, anxiety twisting around as it had for the past couple days. It had been subtle things at first, Kellin staring off into the distance, distracted sometimes when they would hang out, but Oli figured he was just preoccupied with school like he claimed to be. Now Oli was sure it wasn’t that. Where his boyfriend had usually kept his phone on him at all times in case Oli texted him, it had changed abruptly in the past two weeks. Suddenly it took time for Kellin to get to him at times, or they would be mid-conversation and Kellin would disappear for an hour. It had happened the Saturday Kellin had gotten his arm worked on, then the following Saturday as well. Oli had asked if he wanted to hang out on Saturday, but Kellin had replied that he had a lot of homework, and needed the quiet. That in itself was so out of character that multiple warning flags erupted in the tattooed boy’s mind. Firstly, Kellin tended to do his homework last minute on Sunday. Secondly, he always listened to music when he did. Thirdly, Kellin had never blown him off for homework, and usually just brought it with him so they could do it together.

               This left Oli wracking his brains for what he had done to put the other boy off him. Was it something he’d said? Something he’d done? Or maybe Kellin was simply becoming tired of dealing with him and his issues that popped up from time to time. He didn’t want to deal with Oli’s neediness, always texting and bothering him. Was this how they were going to go out? Not in some big bang, but fizzling out as Kellin lost interest in him?

               Or was it something else he wasn’t doing? Was it because they hadn’t had proper sex yet? In reality, Oli wanted that very much, but he had his reasons for not quite getting there yet. Privacy was a problem, and they really didn’t have much in either household. The other barrier was Oli being nervous about actually doing it. Did Kellin want to be the top or bottom? What if he fucked it up? It was clear that Kellin was an experienced kisser, and when they touched each other Kellin was a master. There was no doubt in Oli’s mind that Kellin no longer held his V-card. Oli didn’t hold his either, but to be fair, the two times he’d done it, he’d been high on drugs, and couldn’t even remember it being that good. What if he was shit at it with Kellin, and the other boy was disappointed? He was terrified that if the other boy tried to confine him, his PTSD might kick in, and he would freak out. It was so embarrassing that he couldn’t even bring it up to Dr. Orsbeck, his psychiatrist. Were the gaps in their communication because Kellin had found someone else to fill that need for him? He’d clearly hinted at wanting that from Oli. The brunette didn’t want to believe it, but a tiny voice in the back of his mind, the same one that reminded him of the scars on his wrists and the nights curled on a couch high on ketamine, whispered that anyone was capable of anything, and good things never lasted very long for Oli. They never had, and they never would.

               Thus, the Monday before the championship game before the long memorial day weekend, Oli found himself watching Vic, his brother, and the rest of the jazz ensemble rehearse while he doodled in his sketchbook. He kept glancing at Vic, trying to work out the words in his head to ask. He hated asking around, feeling like he was going behind Kellin’s back. If anyone knew what was going on with Kellin, it would be Vic, and to be fair he was only asking because Kellin kept reassuring him that he was just distracted by schoolwork.

               By the time Jazz rehearsal ended, Oli’s insides felt like the most tangled plate of spaghetti anyone had ever seen. Vic made a bee-line for him after putting away his instrument, at least making Oli feel better for not having to corner him.

               “Dude, you want to tell me why you keep looking at me as if you killed my cat or something?”

               Oli fidgeted with his hands on the hem of his tshirt. “Can I ask you something?”

               “You just did,” Vic joked, as people exited the room around them.

               “It’s about Kellin,” Oli frowned.

               The smile slipped from Vic’s face and his eyebrows drew in, concerned. “You guys ok?”

               Oli looked down and sighed. “I don’t know. Kellin’s been really distant lately, and I feel like I’ve done something wrong, or he’s getting tired of me,” he began, biting the inside of his cheek with nerves. “I didn’t know if he might have said something to you.”

               At this Vic looked only partially surprised. “You think it’s something you did?”

               “Well, we haven’t had sex yet, and I don’t know if my issues are getting on his nerves, or- and please be truthful with me- you don’t think Kellin’s seeing someone else, do you?”

               An avalanche of different emotions poured over Vic’s face. Indignation was the first to settle. “Have you talked to Kellin about this?”

               Oli squirmed, “I keep asking him if everything is alright, ‘cause he seems distracted lately, but he keeps brushing me off, and telling me that he’s just busy with school. But sometimes we’ll be texting and he just stops for hours at a time, and he never used to, and I just feel like I’m fucking this up and-“ Oli took a deep breath to stop himself from rambling faster. “I’m sorry. I hate asking you like some cunt gossip. I just don’t know what to do,” he finished, hanging his head miserably.

               At this Vic seemed to soften. “Oli…look, I think I have an idea of what’s going on, but it should really come from Kellin, not me. If it makes you feel better, I know Kellin isn’t cheating on you. I know he’s flirty, but he’s really not the type to sleep around. He’s not getting tired of you either. It’s really not anything that bad. Just…let me talk to him, and I’ll convince him to talk to you about it. Ok? In the meantime, try not to worry.” Vic reassured with an affectionate slap on his shoulder. “Now c’mon, or we’ll be late.”

               Despite Vic’s reassurances, Oli’s head was a mess the rest of the day. So, Kellin had been keeping something from him? Didn’t he feel comfortable enough with Oli to tell him anything?  They’d had a test in Chemistry, leaving lunch the first opportunity that Kellin and Oli could talk properly.

               “Hey baby, can I talk to you?” Kellin asked, his bright eyes belying a bit of apprehension, leading Oli’s own heartrate to skyrocket and his stomach clench painfully. Oli could only bring himself to nod mutely. Rachel gave them a questioning look as they bypassed their usual table and went out to the courtyard.

               Before Oli even had a moment to mentally prepare himself, Kellin spun and began to speak. “Vic told me you were worried about me because I’ve been distant lately, but I promise I have a good reason.” Oli didn’t say a word, so Kellin took the hint and continued. “Do you remember a couple weeks ago when I asked you about your dad, and if you had the opportunity to do it over, would you?”

               “Yeah…” the tattooed boy answered, trying to think of what that had to do with them.

               “I had asked because on my birthday I overheard my mom talking with my dad on the phone. And I guess he had been trying to connect with me the past couple years, but my mom always kept him away. At first I was pretty angry at both of them, but then I realized that he probably didn’t know where we lived anymore, so he couldn’t just show up, so I was upset that my mom didn’t give me a choice to even try and have a relationship with him.”

               “Wait…so your father, who left you when you were four, was trying to get in touch with you out of the blue?” This was not what he had suspected. In fact, it wasn’t even on the same continent of what Oli had thought was going on.

               “Yeah, apparently he’d been trying the last couple years. So, I got his number off mom’s cell phone and connected with him. I met him a couple Saturdays ago at a diner, so we were in a public place, and then he showed me his flat down in Detroit last Saturday-“

               “Woah, what?” Oli blinked and shook his head, holding a hand up for Kellin to stop. “You mean you met him alone? Please tell me you at least took Vic with you.”

               Kellin shifted his weight. “He had a date with Rachel and I didn’t want to bother him-“

               “Then you could have taken me! Kellin, you hadn’t seen this guy in fourteen years! You don’t know what he was up to in that time!” Oli exclaimed.

               Kellin purposefully schooled his expression, “And this is why I didn’t tell you right away, because I knew you were going to think the worst. You wouldn’t give him a chance. Not everyone is a terrible Oli. He genuinely just wanted to connect with me, and actually he was pretty open about what he’d been up to and why he’d left, which I’m gonna talk about with mom tonight, so I can tell her too. I know he’s missed out on a lot, and I’m not a hundred percent over it, but now I at least know why. I may not have had him in my past, but he could be part of my future. And if it makes you feel better, he’s been really nice. I mean, when I was at his flat we just hung out and played xbox and talked. Really, he’s not bad Oli.”

               “I…that’s not the point Kellin. It’s that you were in a situation that if something had happened, no one would have known where you were to help you,” Oli tried to say. Didn’t Kellin understand how dangerous what he’d done was?

               “So, it’s a control thing?” Kellin asked, his lips twisting in displeasure.

               “No! It’s an I love you thing, and I want you to be safe thing. I…I’m glad you got this opportunity with your dad Kellin. I am. I just wish you were honest with me.”

               “Well I’m being honest now. I just didn’t want you judging him before I was ready for you to.”

               Oli didn’t have anything to say to that, instead frowning at the grass in the bright sun. Was it as bad as he was thinking? No. But he still certainly didn’t like the idea of Kellin going off to meet a guy he barely knew. If anything ever happened to him…

               “Ok,” Oli sighed. “What’s his name?”

               His boyfriend seemed a bit surprised by the question, but quickly answered, “Jeuse…Jeuse Bostwick. Why?”

               Oli shrugged, “Just curious. Can you do me a favor though?” Kellin cocked his head. “Next time you see him, take Vic. I get why you don’t want me, but Vic seems to get it, and I love you, and I just want you to be ok. Or at least let me know and text me once in awhile?”

               At this Kellin gave a small smirk that he wore when he thought Oli was being adorable for some reason or another, and took Oli’s hand. “Alright baby. I’ll let you know when I’m going and I’ll be sure to text you ok? I don’t even know whether or not he’ll be home this weekend since he’s this big shot travel agent. Nothing’s going to happen to me.”

               “Better not…” Oli growled affectionately.

               “We good now?”

               Oli felt all the tension in his shoulders deflate. “Yeah. We’re good. But good luck telling your mother.”

               Kellin gave a dramatic grimace, “Yeah that’s going to be interesting…”

               “Told you nothing was going on,” Vic grinned, slinging an arm around Kellin’s shoulder as Rachel and he came out to each lunch in the courtyard.

               “That wasn’t nothing. It was just…not what I thought,” Oli sighed.

               “What did you think was going on?” Rachel asked, beating Kellin to it.

               “I just thought you were getting tired of me,” Oli confessed as they found a place to sit down.

               “Pretty sure that’s impossible,” Kellin said, rolling his eyes with good nature.

               Something in his voice gave Oli pause, and the dark whispers in the back of his mind reminded him that Kellin hadn’t exactly been up front about it, and he’d abandoned Oli several times to meet this man. As relieved as Oli was that his boyfriend was ok, he still worried about Kellin meeting someone strange, who he barely knew, even if the man was related to him. To Oli, blood relations didn’t necessarily make them any better than any other. Hell, he was a perfect example of that. So for his own concerns and headaches he made a rather fateful call that evening. Laying in bed after showering post practice he scrolled down his contacts and clicked a button.

               “Hey Juju…no his tattoo is doing great…we’ll fill in my arm this summer I think...no I have a question for you. A request really…yeah I hate to ask you, but I know you’re probably better connected than me at this point…no I’m not getting back into Special K. I want you to just check into a name for me…Jeuse…Jeuse Bostwick…”

 

 

               As difficult as it had been to tell Oli, Kellin couldn’t help but feel a bit vindicated when it came to his reasoning for holding off. Oli had taken it about as well as he had expected, which wasn’t well at all, though for different reasons than Kellin had predicted. He hadn’t expected Oli to see the subtle changes over the past week in his behavior. Kellin hadn’t even realized that he had acted any differently. But Oli, ever in tune with Kellin’s mannerisms and mood, had noticed with ease, and it left Kellin feeling a bit guilty. As it was, Oli had supposedly been more concerned with his safety than the fact that he was seeing his father of all people, but Kellin tended to resist control from anyone, even his loving boyfriend. It reminded him a bit of Derek. Besides, Kellin had been mostly safe, hadn’t he? He’d made sure to meet his father the first time in a public place where people could see them, and during the meeting had vetted him. Kellin had always prided himself on being able to read people after all, and his father seemed genuine and harmless. His mother on the other hand…

               “I cannot believe you didn’t tell me you were meeting him!” she remanded, her cheeks turning a bit red as she fumed. She might nag and pester Kellin from time to time, but she rarely yelled.

               Kellin twisted in his seat but held firm. “Well it’s not like you told me that he called! Or that he’s been calling for the past couple of years!” he shot back.

               “Honey,” her tone softened slightly, “he lost that privilege when he walked out on us.”

               “Who gets to decide that. You? Or me?” Kellin fisted his hands into his jeans, frowning up from his seat on the kitchen chair. “I was pissed at first too mom. He left us, and I’ll never forget that. But all these years I’ve had to watch Vic’s dad and him laugh together, or other people’s dads be there for concerts and award ceremonies, and I guess…I know he can’t make that up to me, but if he wants a real relationship with me, and I want to know the man who made me, why would you stop that?” He knew he was playing low, getting at his mother’s emotions, but part of him knew he had to make her understand what he needed.

               “Oh honey,” her face broke, and Kellin knew he had been successful. Her petite arms wrapped around him and he joined her in a tight hug. “I suppose I just didn’t want you to get hurt if he disappears again, and I don’t trust him not to do that to you twice. I don’t want to see you so disappointed.”

               He nodded in a conciliatory fashion, “It’s alright mom. I know why you did it. Oli already got upset at me earlier about it too when I told him.”

               His mother drew back, “You didn’t even tell him?”

               Kellin shook his head. “Vic was the only one I told. I was worried Oli might resent it in someway, cause y’know with his father and him…”

               “I’m surprised. Usually you tell him everything. And he didn’t take it well? I don’t see Oli being upset about you reconnecting with Jeuse…”

               “No, but he took it better than I had hoped. He was more upset that I’d hid it from him, and I was meeting this strange guy who I hadn’t seen for quite awhile. I think he was more worried safety-wise than anything else.”

               “Ah, that makes more sense coming from Oli. I knew I liked that boy for a reason. Did he understand?”

               “Yeah, eventually, but he was really quiet the rest of the day. I think he was just tired from worrying though. I’ll make it up to him later this week or something. I didn’t really mean to hide it from him. I just didn’t want him to get upset.”

               His mother nodded as if bouncing around the statement in her head. “I can see that. Oli is sensitive to that sort of stuff, but I still feel like he might have appreciated you being a bit more open with him. I remember last fall you telling me that Oli didn’t like it when his mother tried to sugar coat things or not tell him things in order to keep him mentally balanced.” Kellin’s gut twisted. He had completely forgot about that.

               “I guess I really am going to have to make it up to him then. Maybe I can find him some new drawing pencils…”

               “That’s my boy,” his mother murmured and kissed the top of his head.

 

              

               To be fair, despite his anxiety whispering in the back of his mind, Oli really hadn’t expected Juju to find anything on Jeuse Bostwick. He had reminded himself repeatedly that most people were not criminal bosses like his father had been, and that while no one was perfect, not everyone was a criminal. Most citizens were generally law-abiding. Thus, when Juju’s familiar number rang on his phone, Oli was almost sure his friend was calling him to tell him that he’d asked around, found nothing, and when was Oli going to schedule his fill in for his tattoo? Instead, it was a short conversation that had him sweating by the end.

               Juju knew when Oli’s school let out, and had made a point to call him when he had finished up for the day. He was grabbing his backpack out of his locker when he heard the jingle just over the din of the sea of students roaring around him, their excitement at having only one more day before the long weekend quite palpable.

               “’ello?” He spoke loudly into the phone, shoving a finger into his other ear to hear and ducking into an empty classroom in order to be able to hear his friend.

               “Oliver! Why did you ask about this Jeuse man?”

               What an odd question. Suddenly Oli felt on guard. “It’s Kellin’s dad. He left when Kellin was little, and they just reconnected a couple weeks ago. I know it sounds creepy and overprotective of me, but I just wanted to make sure Kellin’s ok hanging out with this bloke. He’s been gone for sometime and no one knows what he’s been up to, and it just seemed weird that he wanted to see Kellin out of the blue.”

               “Well you should keep Kellin away from him. He is not a good man.”

               “What?! What do you mean? What is he into?”

               “He goes by the name Venture, and he helps recruit and then arranges transportation for sex trades for one of the biggest black market companies in the world. He’s definitely not on the top, but he knows what he’s doing, and it is not good. He is basically a logistics expert, much like I was. But instead of dealing in shipments of drugs, he deals in shipments of bodies to be sold for sex. Even your father never liked that trade. Too messy, he used to say. You should keep your boyfriend away for his own safety. It’s not just women that get recruited into these things.”

               “Sex trade?! How…how would that even work? And why Detroit?”

               “It is on the great lakes. They collect young people, usually women, but young men as well, promising them a semester abroad, or an arranged marriage, and then they ship them anywhere in the world. The middle east, Russia, and China are large markets for them.”

               “Fuck…I…Thanks so much Juju. I owe you, again.”

               “You just tell that boy, and make sure he stays in one piece. I’m not done with his arm yet.”

               “Thanks again Juju,” Oli breathed, and then ended the call. Dread swirled around him, and he could feel sweat beady up on his neck. He needed to talk to Kellin.

               Stashing his cell phone into the messenger bag he used for school, Oli hightailed it out of the classroom and out into the mostly empty parking lot. Rachel, Vic, and Kellin had obviously been waiting for him, hanging by the beat-up Aries, which looked even older next to Kellin’s cougar and Rachel’s Sunfire. Kellin was the first to notice something was wrong.

               “You ok Oli?” he asked, brow pinched as it usually was when he was concerned.

               “You can’t hang out with your dad anymore,” Oli explained, not quite out of breath despite running the whole way.

               “What are you talking about?” Vic interjected. “Didn’t we have this conversation of Kellin’s dad being ok?”

               “But he’s not! He’s not…I asked Juju to check in on him-“

               “Wait!” Kellin halted, “You asked Juju to check on his name when I’d already told you that he was fine?”

               “I didn’t want to take a chance!” Oli shot back, frowning. “And I was right! Kellin he’s not good at all! He works for one of the largest black market operators out there!”

               “Bullshit! He’s a travel agent! I told you! He even showed me photos of the places he’s been and he has all these travel booklets-” Kellin shouted back, becoming rather furious.

               “For sex trading!” Oli interrupted, causing Rachel to gasp and put a hand over her mouth and Vic to look shocked.

               “You take that back! You don’t even know him!”

               “I know you just met him again Kells, but he’s not going to those locations as an agent. He’s going to recruit kids, people our age, tricking them into thinking they’re going to spend a semester abroad or are going to be loved and cared for but instead they’re being kidnapped and sold for sex,” Oli said, lowering his voice to decrease the intensity, but it only made Kellin’s brow furrow and cold fury shine from his eyes.

               “I don’t believe you...”

               “I know it’s tough to swallow but-“

               “-I can’t believe you would stoop this low. You can’t just let me be happy with my dad.”

               At this Oli blinked. Did Kellin really not believe him? “I’m not making this up Kells. I wouldn’t-“

               “But you would if it was in the name of my safety though, wouldn’t you?! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you to begin with but you don’t get to control everywhere that I go Oli! You’re not my mother!”

               “I’m not trying to control you, you daft cow! I’m trying to make sure you don’t get shoved on a boat and sold to the highest bidder in Aruba!”

               “You _are too_ controlling! I don’t text you for a few hours and you freak out!” Oli flinched. “Now you’re trying to figure out how to make sure that doesn’t happen again, and what better way than making me give up a relationship I waited my whole life for with a man who shares half my DNA! You may have hated your dad, but I don’t hate mine. Mine didn’t beat me, mine just left! Can’t you see how important this is to me? All those times where I could have used some guidance, or something from him he wasn’t there, but he wants to be now! He never physically hurt me, and he never would, and I don’t know why you can’t see that every dad isn’t yours! Mine isn’t out to fuck me up so badly that I turn to drugs or try to hurt myself! That’s your father Oli! Not mine!”

               Oli stood in shock, unable to say anything, heart jackhammering into his throat, stomach writhing in pain. Kellin’s tear-filled eyes watched him in rage, shoulders lifting and falling with his deep breaths.

               “I should have known you’d be like this. I should have never told you,” Kellin lowered his head, as if talking briefly to himself.  “You’ll never understand,” he said, lifting his head and meeting Oli’s gaze. After a moment he turned and stalked to his car.

               “Kellin wait!” Oli tried despite his painfully tight throat, and reached for Kellin, but the boy whipped out of his grasp as if burned.

               “Don’t!” Kellin reproached. “I don’t want to hear another word out of you.” And with that he crawled into the black cougar and sped from the scene.

               The three remaining teens stood stock still, watching the little black car for a moment. Oli felt rooted to the spot, frozen in time, his brain nothing but a never ending high pitched scream.

               “Probably not the best way to tell Kellin,” Vic accused, snapping Oli out of his trance. “You should have sat him down and explained why you checked into it before anything. Not ran up to him and just shouted that he needed to break off hanging out with his Dad, just because some rumor-“

               “Vic-“ Rachel warned.

               “It’s not a rumor,” Oli said softly. “Juju is still pretty respected in the underworld. His information isn’t wrong.”

               “Who is Juju?” Rachel asked gently, trying to piece together the revelations for her and Vic.

               “My tattoo artist. He’s the one that covered all my scars with tattoos so they wouldn’t stand out so much. He used to look out for me back in Sheffield,” Oli said slowly. A black, numb feeling was taking residence inside him, and he felt his fists unclench. “He got out of the game, and now he has a tattoo parlor in Detroit. I helped him get his visa and shit…”

               “Those things Kellin said, about drugs and shit. Are those true too?” Vic asked in a more serious tone than Oli had ever heard before.

               “Yeah. I was a drug addict, and my father used to beat the piss out of me, so I used more. Almost lost my arm from injecting. Thought I was dying so I turned my dad in. Woke up in a hospital and I was so mad I wasn’t dead I tried to kill myself anyway. Went to rehab for two months. Got clean. Came here,” Oli replied callously. “I was…am…fucked up.”

               Vic nodded somberly, taking the information in. Finally, he gave a heaving sigh. “Well, if I know Kellin, he’ll need some time to cool down, and then an ear to talk to. I’ll go head over to his place and see what I can do. Rach can you take Oli home?”

               “Of course. C’mon Oli,” she beckoned, taking a hand to guide him and causing him to flinch badly. Every touch hurt.

               Oli didn’t remember much of the ride home, the pit of darkness spreading within him, a midnight ink spreading through his veins, deadening him to the outside world and making his limbs feel so heavy. He couldn’t even cry, though he wanted to so badly.

               “I need to go home and eat with my parents, and then I’ll come back this evening, ok?”

               Oli shrugged. “You don’t have to. I’m fine,” he lied. He just wanted to be alone.

               “Yeah you’re about as fine as a natural disaster,” Rachel frowned at him. “I’ll be back around seven. It will be ok,” she added in a meaningful tone, and patted his hand. If Oli weren’t so dead inside he would have laughed. Nothing would be fine for him. Ever. Couldn’t she see that? Kellin certainly had, though it had taken him several months.

               Oli didn’t know how he did it, but he managed to make it through dinner without crying. Of course, he didn’t say much either.

               “You sure you’re ok dear?” his mother asked as he passed his plate to Tom, who was in charge of cleaning up that night.

               “Yeah, just a tad tired,” he answered, trying his hardest to be convincing. Inside he was breaking apart. “Got that game tomorrow.”

               “I know! I’m sorry I have to miss it-“

               “Mom, Oli and I have told you we don’t mind. We know the deadline is due for your project. It’s fine,” Tom said in an exasperated tone for which Oli was grateful.

               Shuffling to his room he flopped into bed, turning his head and looking about the space. Kellin’s hoodie was slung over his chair, and a couple of the other boy’s books were stacked on his nightstand, dog eared and waiting to be finished. The drawing pad the other boy had gotten him for his birthday was open on his desk with a half-finished doodle.

               Suddenly the familiar feeling of restlessness poured over him like an avalanche, and he couldn’t stay still. He hadn’t felt like this in so long, he almost didn’t recognize it at first. A hand grasped at the center of his chest, choking him as the feeling of hopeless and despair washed through him. Rising, his eyes now forming tears, he stumbled to the bathroom, turning on the shower. Looking in the mirror he wondered what Kellin had ever seen in him in the first place. Deadened hazel eyes stared back, tears just starting to roll down his too pale face. His scars stood out to him like rocks in a wasteland, just slightly uglier than the grotesque landscape they sat on. Kellin was right. His father had permanently fucked him up. He would never get better.

It was like riding his bike. His body knew what to do before his mind even comprehended his own intentions, and all of a sudden there was blood flowing from both his wrists like a dam set free. The sweet sting of physical pain crashed through him, temporarily drowning out the ache that was beginning to override the dark numbness. He stood in the shower until the water turned cold, and even then, just a bit longer until he couldn’t tell if he was shivering from the cold or trying to control the sobs that were beginning to bubble up at random.

The cuts were still bleeding a little, but Oli secretly wished he had cut deeper. He didn’t want to feel this anymore. Throwing sweatpants and one of his old hoodies from England on, he returned to his room, shutting the door and collapsing onto his bed. Finally alone and in the quiet, he allowed some of the sobs to work there way up, but did his best not to make any sound. He didn’t want anyone to hear how damaged he was. Tears soaked his pillow and the dreaded feelings resurfaced and took hold of him. He felt as though he were drowning, and he couldn’t stop shaking.

He should have known. He should have known. He was never meant for happiness. He was a broken, miserable creature, to be pitied and avoided. He should be buried somewhere and never dug up. He didn’t deserve anything but abandonment and to be drown in the nearest body of water. Wasn’t that what societies had done in the past? Taken out the non-functioning members and gave them the gift of death? And oh, how he longed for it. Wanted it so badly. Craved it like he had once craved the escape of Ketamine. He hurt so badly, and surely this was the blow he would not recover from. Why couldn’t death be kind, simply reach out and take him? He swore he wouldn’t resist. He didn’t deserve that kindness though.

               Thoughts of ending his misery pounded through his head, a carousel that never seemed to stop. Oli was so taken in by them that he didn’t hear his bedroom door open and shut, didn’t even register another person in the room until he heard a tentative, “Oli?”

               Without thinking, Oli bolted halfway up, and he had to blink his red-rimmed eyes multiple times to clear the tears and recognize Rachel, staring back at him with the saddest expression she had ever garnered in his presence. His mother must have let her in. Like a doe in the headlights, he remained stock-still as she approached the bed, holding her hands out as if her petite frame might scare him.

               “Oh, Oli,” she cooed sympathetically, her hands reaching his raw cheeks, wiping the tears that slid down as he closed his eyes in her grasp.  The hands reached behind him as she pulled him into a hug. He allowed himself to be held, the tears still rolling down. Through his stuffed nose he could still smell her soft scent, like vanilla, and vaguely realized that Vic must love it, much like he loved Kellin’s earthy one.  

               He didn’t know how long she held him, his brain’s clock seizing up somewhere back in the bathroom. The pain of being stabbed through the heart pulsed dully. After crying so much, exhaustion over took him, and he wanted nothing more than to curl up, forget everything and fade into nothingness.

               Eventually she sat back and gave him a watery smile. “I know that you’re just trying to protect Kellin, and that didn’t give him a right to take it out on you. You’re not controlling Oli. I don’t know why Kellin and Vic don’t understand that you were just scared. I thought it was plain as day on your face. We’ll get Kellin to come around though,” she soothed, to which Oli gave a half shrug, sure that wasn’t going to happen.

               Her hands slipped from his shoulders, down the sleeves of the hoodie and when she glanced down she gasped, “Oh my God!”

               Oli knew what she had seen, but looked anyway. Blood from the cuts had channeled down the imperfections of his skin and down onto his hands and fingers.

               “Oli you’re bleeding,” she breathed quickly, grabbing some tissues off his nightstand and dabbing at the blood, only to find no breaks in the skin. Oli sat in numbness as Rachel tentatively followed the trail of blood on his left hand, rolling up the sleeve until all the cuts were exposed. Tears swam in her eyes as she did the same for the right hand as well. He usually didn’t do so many but perhaps the months of not doing it had built up, or perhaps he was so defective that he simply didn’t care.

               “I’m going to go get some bandages,” she said in a bare whisper, as if her voice might blow Oli away like the dust he wished to become. Disappearing for a moment she came back with the first aid kit from the bathroom, and sat next to him. Gently she cleaned each self-inflicted wound, put some ointment on it, and then wrapped his forearms in gauze to protect them. As she did this, she bit her lip ring, tears now dripping from her eyes. Had Oli had anything left in him to feel, he might have felt like an ass, letting her see him like this. He hadn’t meant to make her sad.

               “Is this what Kellin meant by…by trying to hurt yourself?” she asked quietly.

               “I’m fucked up, like…like… _he_ said,” Oli answered, his voice weak from crying, and unable to speak the other boy’s name. “I used to wonder how anyone, especially someone as brilliant as he is would want to stay with me. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, when he’d get tired of me, or realize that I’m not worth it. I just…I just wish it hadn’t taken so long cause I…I hoped…I hoped…” Oli couldn’t finish. Instead he simply laid down, allowing some last few tears to escape onto his pillow until the analgesia washed over him again.  

               “Oli you are worth it,” Rachel said softly, resting a hand on his bicep. “I know what Kellin said hurt, but he does love you, and one fight isn’t going to change that. Vic and I fight sometimes, and we’ve said some things to each other, but then we cool down and talk it out. That’s what you and Kellin need to do. Let Kellin cool down, and he’ll come around. I think he’s missed his dad for a long time, and when he thought that the chance to correct that is threatened, he felt hurt, and his words came from that place of hurt. They came from a little kid who never had his dad toss the baseball in the yard, or taught him to ride a bike, or took him out for his first driving lesson and stuff like that.”

               “He doesn’t need that though. He’s perfect the way he is,” Oli said, blinking owlishly.

               “Perfect might be pushing it,” Rachel chuckled humorlessly. “But I know what you mean. I think Kellin needs to realize that for himself though. It will work itself out. You just need to talk.”

               Oli sniffed and shook his head subtly. “He never wants to hear me speak another word to him.”

               “He just said that because he was mad Oli, he didn’t mean it. We both know that Kellin has a sharp tongue, and doesn’t exactly always think before he opens his mouth. He’ll come around. Ok?”

               Oli didn’t believe her for a moment, and just gave a one shouldered shrug again.

               “Listen, I’m going to grab my bag out of the car and call my mom to let her know I’m staying her tonight. I’ll be right back ok?”

               “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I’m not…you shouldn’t have to look after me. No one should.”

               Rachel stilled for a moment and stared back at him briefly before saying in a strange voice. “I want you to be alive Oli. I don’t want to lose one of my best friends tonight, so I’m going to stay right here, we clear?” There was something in her tone that didn’t let Oli argue. Instead he closed his eyes to shut out her gaze and nodded.

 

 

               Kellin threw his backpack down next to the bed before sitting roughly upon the mattress. Running his hands through his hair, they turned to fists. What had Oli been thinking, asking Juju to do a background check on his father? Didn’t Oli trust his judgement enough to make his own decisions? First his mother, now his boyfriend. It made him just want to punch something! When would he be allowed to make decisions for himself?!

               Trying to decide between punching a wall and screaming into his pillow, not that he needed the latter since his family wasn’t home yet, Kellin was interrupted by a familiar face poking around the doorframe. “Figured you’d be sulking in here,” Vic smirked, letting himself in.

               Kellin rolled his eyes, “I’m not in the mood.”

               “I know. I know you’re pissed, and I told Oli off a little bit, but really you did that pretty well on your own,” Vic said, sobering and sitting next to his friend.

               Running his hands over his face in a tired manner, Kellin sighed. “I don’t even remember half of what I said,” he groaned. “I just know I was pissed off at him.”

               “Let me ask you this: are you mad that Oli, or are you mad at the info Oli dug up because it might end your new relationship with your dad?”

               Dammit he hated when Vic was reasonable, because he was usually right. This was no exception. Kellin scrubbed at his face again, the weight of his own actions coming to rest heavily in his chest. What had he done? What had he said? Was he really so focused on maintaining the tenuous hold on his long lost father that he had sacrificed one of the best things in his life for it? “I hate it when you make sense,” he grumbled.

               “Yeah I do that once in awhile,” he answered, lightly.

               “Is he ok? All I know is that I definitely said some shit…”

               “Ok is not really the word I’d use…” Vic’s frown deepened, and Kellin knew he’d really done some damage then.

               “Shit,” Kellin moaning, feeling angry tears gather in his eyes. He’d been Oli’s main support system for months now, and like a viper he had turned on him, his forked tongue lashing out at all the insecurities he knew Oli held. Phrases and accusations slowly were fished out of his memory and Kellin felt more and more guilty by the moment. How had he allowed those things to come out of his mouth? He’d been pissed and not thinking, that was how…

               Vic placed a warm hand on his back, holding him together as Kellin felt himself crumbling. “I had Rach take Oli home, and I imagine she’ll stay with him for a bit until he’s done crying.”

               “I made him cry?” Kellin looked up sharply.

               “Well he wasn’t when I left, but he looked like he might at some point. Like I think he was still in shock and kind of scared. And his voice sounded all funny when we asked him if those things you said about him were true.”

               “What things?” Kellin asked, unsure he really wanted to know.

               “That he’s a drug addict and he got beaten by his dad and shit. He said it was the truth, and then told us that he was and is fucked up. Honestly I’m impressed he’s still alive with all that happened to him.”

               “He’s still on medication to help him,” Kellin said softly. “He has a psychiatrist he sees monthly who’s really good. When I first met him, he was self-mutilating, but we got him to stop. But he still has bouts of severe depression or dissociation. They’re not common, and they usually only last a day or so, and his mom or Tom usually just text me and I come over and sit with him until he feels better.”

               “Damn. I thought I saw some scars on his wrists but it’s hard to tell with all the ink. He really hides it well. I had no idea…”

               “He doesn’t like other people making a fuss over him, or knowing. He doesn’t like being pitied or coddled or shit like that either.” Kellin closed his eyes and tugged at his hair. “Fuck! He’s come so far, and I just threw it in his face like an asshole!”

               “Easy Kells,” Vic pacified. “I’m sure Oli isn’t mad at you, and he still loves you. If anything, I think he was more upset at himself…”

               “That’s even worse though,” Kellin frowned. “You said Rachel is staying with him, right? I don’t think he’d want to see me right now.”

               “Yeah, Rachel’s with him. Why don’t you give him the night, and tomorrow when you’ve both cooled off, you can apologize and kiss and make up, because I’m not ready for the end of the world.”

               “End of the world?” Kellin raised an eyebrow at him, wiping away the tears that had gathered in the corners of his eyes.

               “You two fighting is definitely a sign of it. You guys never fight. Like for a second there, I was legitimately afraid. It was like watching peanut butter break up with jelly. It just doesn’t happen. You’re too good together and for each other for that.”

               Kellin nodded. “Ok, how do I do this…”

               They spent the next couple hours working on ways for Kellin to apologize, and Vic stayed for dinner. Together they agreed that the best apology would be a leap of faith. Kellin would confront his father, find out the truth and if needs be, and say goodbye to him permanently if it meant keeping Oli with him. He wouldn’t sacrifice the love he had with his boyfriend, and the future he could have with him for a man who couldn’t be bothered to have been part of his past. For the first time in weeks Kellin felt his conscience clear, knowing he was doing the right thing. Vic would help him apologize to Oli at school, and then that evening, Kellin would meet up with them after their game, having come back from Detroit after talking with his dad about the information Oli had dug up. Putting his faith in his boyfriend, trusting him, would hopefully be enough to heal their bond which had been damaged by Kellin’s words, and if he was being honest, his actions the past few weeks as well. Had he been paying attention to his boyfriend, he would have seen the anxiety and worry that was corrupting their relationship, corroding it to the point of this explosive argument. It was the first in their time together.

               All Kellin could do, was pray that it wouldn’t be the end of them as well.

 

 

               If Oli had thought the next day might be any better, he might have been sourly disappointed. It was a good thing that he simply assumed that everything would get worse.

               Rachel had stayed the night, and as much as Oli had wanted to sleep, any he did was restless and uncomfortable. It was this way he could hear her get up every few hours and check on him. In the back of his mind he registered that he should appreciate her staying, but he couldn’t. After calming a bit he decided he couldn’t end his existence that night anyway; he needed to find out where Kellin’s dad lived, and talk to him, convince him not to drag his son into the underbelly of society. As much as he was sure Kellin would resent it, he wanted to protect the boy he loved one last time. Then he could stop everything.

               The plan had formulated in his mind as he lay in the quiet. He would go to school so as to not arouse suspicion. He would make it through the day and the soccer game. Tom was getting a ride home from a friend, and Oli could say he was going to hang out with Vic, loiter until he brother was gone, and then catch one of the later buses back to Detroit. He would get the address for Jeuse from Juju, visit the man, make sure Kellin was safe, and then…well…the lake was cold at this time a year. Everyone always said hypothermia was a more gentle way to go, and Oli couldn’t swim anyway. Then everything would be over. His mother and brother could stop worrying about him. Vic and Rachel could stop babysitting him. And Kellin…well Kellin had promised that he would be ok last December, and Oli would just have to believe that. Tears leaked out as he thought of Kellin moving on, meeting someone else, sleeping with them every night, building a life with them. It would be so much more easy for him to do that with someone who was whole, balanced, who could be everything for Kellin that Oli was not. Kellin could still have a happy ending.

               Oli’s eyes were dry when morning rolled around. Tom was already at Jazz rehearsal, and his mother was on her way to the airport to take a hopper flight to Chicago. She would be home tomorrow.

               “Feeling any better?” Rachel asked as she buttered them each a piece of toast, moving around Oli’s kitchen as if she lived there.

               “Yeah, thanks,” he answered softly, and at that moment he did. It was a relief to have a plan. He still ached, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and tomorrow he wouldn’t have to feel anything at all.

               “Good,” she smiled at him, and handed him some toast, which they ate in companionable silence.

               Things didn’t just slide downhill when they got to school. Someone had poured kerosene on them, lit them on fire, and then smacked them downhill with a club. And the club had spikes.

               Oli noticed as soon as they were walking through the parking lot that something was wrong. His first week at the school he had garnered a lot of stares due to his tattoos, but that had decreased drastically after the first week, and then even further when he started dating Kellin, since he was no longer single.

               Now people were sending furtive glances his way, some with raised eyebrows, and others giggling behind hands on their mouths.

               “Is it just me, or is everyone staring at me?” he mumbled to his shorter companion, brows furrowed in confusion.

               “Hold on,” Rachel frowned and whipped out her phone. Oli paused with her in the foyer, frowning at the people gawking at him as they entered the school. In a minute he heard her sharp gasp, “Oh shit…”

               “What?” he asked, almost fearing the answer.

               “It’s those assholes that bullied Vic online…they…well…” Apparently unable to explain it, she simply held up her phone and Oli steadied it to see a picture of himself, back in Sheffield. It was in his father’s flat, and he was sitting on the leather couch. There were beers and bottles of drugs on the table. One of the other dealers sat next to Oli, looking like she was chatting casually, but Oli had his head bowed and body twisted, his right hand holding a syringe and injecting into his left arm. He looked thin and sickly, as he always had when he spent most of his days getting high. The caption below said something along the lines of having to play drug addicts for the soccer championship.

               Oli wanted to throw up the toast he had barely eaten that morning. How had they gotten that photo? That photo was the very piece of incriminating evidence that his father had found and caused the nine lashes on his back. He thought it had been destroyed or lost. Panic rose momentarily, and Rachel clutched his upper arm tighter. Then he recalled it didn’t matter. Nothing would matter after today. This was just another branch on the pyre of his death, returning his body to dust. The panic left him, and he felt his shoulders drop, the cold, constant ache creeping back in.

               “It’s alright.”

               “Alright?! Oli they shared a picture of you getting high! People are going to think-“

               “It doesn’t matter what people think,” he interrupted her, voice quiet. “Really it doesn’t. And it’s not going to be anything worse than what I’ve heard before.”

               Her look was torn, clearly unable to decide between letting Oli handle it, and yelling at him for not sticking up for himself.

               “We have to get to class,” he monotoned, and turned before she could voice anything else.

               Sitting in class, Oli could feel the stares, though they felt far away. If anything bothered him, it was the idea that Kellin would see the photo as well. What would he think when confronted by real evidence of Oli’s past? Would he pity him? Or would he just think that he had dodged a bullet by breaking up with him? Oli wasn’t sure he could handle twice the rejection, and resolved to hopefully avoid Kellin the rest of the day. It was cemented by the whispers and occasional jeers as he walked the halls between classes. He didn’t want to drag Kellin down into this hell if he could avoid it.

               To be fair he wasn’t actually faking the headache that he used an excuse to lay in the nurse’s office through both chemistry and lunch. He let his mind swirl like sludge as he lay on the hard pads of the nursing beds. Chorus he blatantly skipped, walking home early to get his affairs in order and change for the game. It took him time to write each of the letters he needed to write, folding them careful and placing them in their respective envelopes. Then he changed into his soccer gear, slipping his under armor on underneath the red jersey to hide his wrists, which he unwrapped since they had stopped bleeding.

               “Oli? You ok?” Tom asked, poking his head into his brother’s room as the boy tied the laces of his cleats together so he could easily carry them to change at the field.

               Oli furrowed his brow. Hadn’t he been convincing that he was fine last night? “Yeah, why?”

               “Well it’s just as school today…well…”

               “Oh the photo?”

               “Yeah…I wanted to make sure no one had said anything to you. Cause if they did, you know they’re dickhats, right?”

               Oli gave a humorless laugh. “Yeah. They don’t bother me, if it makes you feel better.”

               “You sure?”

               Oli nodded. Really, when you knew you wouldn’t be waking up the following morning, not much bothered you.

               Vic was waiting for him at the field, and almost seemed angry when he grabbed Oli’s wrist and demanded, “Where have you been all day? We’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

               “I had a headache,” Oli answered quietly, avoiding his gaze, feeling the pain shoot up his arm.

               “That’s kind of bullshit. Try again.”

               “I didn’t want you guys to have to be subjected to all the rumors hanging around me now,” he tried more truthfully. “Can I have my arm back now?”

               Vic sighed and let go, then opened his mouth to say more, but then seemed to realize that his hand was wet with something. As he looked down to see the blood that was surely there, Oli ghosted himself to join his teammates in circling up around the coach. Oli avoided looking in Vic’s direction as their coach droned on about teamwork, passing, and the different plays they had worked on, though he could feel the brown eyes boring into him.

               Oli was sweating within minutes. His thick chocolate locks stuck to his neck as he ran up and down the field. He felt hollow. This was last time he would get to play, so he may as well make it good, and with everything set for that evening, it was easy to focus on the game. He knew Vic was watching him, but he didn’t have time to think about that as the two boys Oli had fought earlier began to gang up on each player, as if testing for cracks. They had tried to knock both Oli and Tony several times, but neither boy gave them any satisfaction, even when Oli heard whispered taunts of ‘User’ and ‘Junkie’. Yeah, he was one. He wouldn’t be tomorrow.

               By the second half the two bullies turned their attention toward the offense. There they met opposition. Where Tony and Oli didn’t fight back, Vic, Jaime, and Mike did. Vic was especially retaliatory, grinning as he spun the ball through the one boy’s legs, passed it to mike, who then passed it back to Vic to score. Gloating as only Vic could, the boys and most of the other team eventually lost heart by the end, leaving the score a brutal 6-0.

               Coach promised the team a congratulatory dinner the next day, the entire team jumping around and celebrating. Oli separated himself, taking his time by his gym bag, looking around before shedding his jersey and under armor for a blessedly cool Linkin Park shirt he had gotten when he went to the concert with Kellin. Most of the players and families departed, Tom going with Jaime to hang out for the evening. Oli slowly changed his shoes out as well, then shuffled toward the parking lot, the last to leave the field.

               The bus stop was beyond the brush and around the corner from the back lot, out on the main road. Oli knew he had plenty of time so he stretched his tired legs out as he walked, alone with his dark thoughts again. The sound of scuffle brought him quickly out, and he glanced around to see four figures fighting behind the last car in the parking lot: a beat up ’87 Aries. Even from a distance Oli could hear Rachel’s screech and Vic yelling profanity, while the other two boys tried to gang up on him.

               Legs swiftly carrying him over the black top, Oli dropped his bag before the car and slid up and over the trunk, using the momentum to swing forward and crack one of the boys fiercely across the jaw. That boy flew back onto the pavement and without a sound, Oli turned on the other brunette with cold fury. Surprise was still on his side, brown eyes widening as Oli blocked his haymaker and hooked him with the left. The blow stunned the boy and Oli grabbed the other’s wrist, twisting it at an odd angle so the other could not move without intense pain.

               “I knew I should have kicked your cunt arses when I had the chance,” Oli growled. “Tell me. How did you find those pictures of Vic and me?”

               “We don’t know what you’re talking about you British bast-ahhhhhh!” Oli twisted a bit harder.

               “I’d start rememberin’ if I was you.”

               “Fucker…” the other boy moaned, trying to get up on all fours only for Rachel and Vic to grab him.

               “I don’t think so,” Vic warned.

               Oli looked at the boy Vic and Rachel held and slid his thumb across to the base of the fingers of his partner’s hand. “You best start telling me a story, or your friend here will be taking his exams with his pencil in his mouth.”

               “We don’t know-“

               CRUNCH. The other boy writhed in pain as Oli cracked his pinky finger back. Crying, the boy Oli held looked desperately back to the other. “TELL HIM!!”

               “Alright! Alright! Chris is a tech genius and my dad works at the government and we hacked the system to find lost files to get yours! The other ones we just blackmailed a couple people at your school. That’s it! That’s all we did.”

               “What are your names?” Rachel asked immediately. Both boys spouted them without hesitation. “Perfect. Well we can find where you live. Do you want any more of your fingers broken?”

               “No…no…” the other boy sobbed.

               “And do you want any of yours broken?” The boy shook his head. “Now look at that boy,” she said pointing to Oli. “He grew up around murders, gangters, and drug dealers. Do you think he’s going to play around with you two small fry?” At this both of them shook their heads no, terrified. “Are you ever going to do anything to Vic, Oli, or the rest of the team again?” Another no. “Then get out of here, and if we ever see your faces again, it will be more than just fingers.”

               On cue, Vic and Oli released each boy, who scuttled away, breaking into dead runs toward the front lot where their parents where still likely loitering close to the field.

               “You ok?” he checked with Vic before retreating to the other side of the car to pick up his bag.

               “Yeah, thanks…What are you still doing here? Didn’t you go with Tom?” Vic asked, rubbing at the bruise on his jaw.

               “No, I’m going to catch the bus,” Oli said cryptically.

               “You don’t want a ride home?” Rachel inquired.

               Oli pressed his lips together. “I was going to go downtown and…and talk to…to _his_ dad. Make sure he’ll be safe with him. I know…I know he’ll hate me for doing it, but it’s the only thing I can think of to do for him. And if he hates me, well…” he shrugged.

               Vic bit his lip and donned a concerned look, as if suddenly remember the blood on his hand from earlier. “Dude, that’s why I was wondering where you were earlier. Kellin went downtown after school to talk to his dad about what you found. He wasn’t sure if he was home, but he wanted to try.”

               “He went by himself?!” Oli asked, eyes going wide.

               “Yeah, in fact he was supposed to meet us here on the way home. Lemme send him a text to see where he’s at.”

               Panic began to simmer through the ice that had been running through Oli’s veins from that day. As if on cue, when Vic pulled his phone out, his eyes went wide with terror. “Shit.”

 

 

 

               Kellin had laid in the quiet for a long time before his alarm on his phone went off, telling him it was time for school. He had gone over his plan multiple times, all the things he wanted to say to Oli. In the end he got up as his alarm rang, and quickly jotted down the phrases in a notebook. Maybe he could sing it. Oli did love it when he sang.

               Wearing Oli’s favorite shirt, Kellin took a deep breath as he steeled himself. What if Oli was angry or didn’t forgive him? Oli did tend to hold onto grudges, but he usually did his best to move on from them when he could. Hopefully this was no exception. He saw Vic in the morning, but no sign of Oli or Rachel. And it wasn’t until Chemistry that he realized something was wrong. Oli was not there, and they had a quiz that took up half the class, followed by a small lesson and a worksheet. It was while going through the worksheet by himself that the two girls in front of him who had been giggling together turned back to look glance at him.

               “What?” he asked, when they did it a second and third time, quickly tiring of it.

               “Nothing. Just wondering if you were a junkie too.”

               Her words sent Kellin into confusion. “What are you talking about?”

               “You didn’t see the post last night? Or did you already know your boyfriend does drugs?”

               “What post?” Kellin asked slowly, feeling dread curl in his lungs.

               The smaller girl checked that Mrs. Geck was not looking before whipping out her phone and pulling up the post to show Kellin. The image made Kellin want to vomit. Cerebrally, he knew Oli had been addicted to Ketamine. He had even almost lost his left arm to it. But he never envisioned Oli actually shooting up, and seeing the skinny frame depress the plunger into the arm so clearly made Kellin want to cry. The time stamp told him that the photo was from England, but it still made him want to throw the girl’s phone. Was this why Oli was skipping class? To hide from all the people surely gossiping and taunting him? It made him want to wrap the other boy up in the warmest blanket and set fire to anyone who’d said anything negative to him all day.

               Determined to do that, he searched for him at lunch, only to come up empty handed. Rachel, upon seeing him marched over and punched him in the arm, hard.

               “Kellin Quinn! You’re such an asshole!” she exclaimed. Kellin threw his arms up, bewildered looking desperately at Vic, who seemed as baffled at her outrage as he was.

               “What did I do?” he asked ignorantly, instantly realizing that was the wrong question.

               “What did you do? What did you do?!” she exclaimed and punched him with her other fist. “I sat with your sweet child of a boyfriend last night, drying his tears and trying to convince him that you still give a damn about him! I had to wrap his wrists after his cut himself so much it was running down onto his hands! I stayed there all night because I know a suicidal look when I see it, and I wanted him to live and see that you didn’t hate him like he thought you did! And when I tried to explain to him that you felt left out and inadequate without a dad, do you know what his response was? That YOU are perfect even without that man, and he didn’t know why you didn’t see it. He called you perfect! After everything you hurled at him, he still adores you! You could live ten thousand years and NEVER deserve that boy!” she finished, her voice cracking as a pair of angry tears slid down her cheeks.

               Her words cut him to the core. If he felt like an asshole last night, he felt like the worst human on the face of the planet at this point. He had crushed the gentle soul he loved so much, all because of his own insecurity about not having a proper family. Because of him Oli had cried. Because of him, Oli had hurt himself again, something he hadn’t done in ages, since he promised Kellin that he wouldn’t. And worst of all, he has caused his boyfriend to doubt his self-worth. He had caused Oli to stop loving himself.

               “Fuck,” Kellin deflated, trying to figure out how he was even going to begin to apologize for all the ways he’d hurt Oli. “We need to find him. Some asshole posted a photo of him too-“

               “We saw,” Rachel interrupted.

               “It was gnarly,” Vic added, his face more careworn than Kellin had seen in a long time.

               “Oli saw it too, but, it’s weird…”

               “What is?”

               “He wasn’t actually all that bothered. Like it didn’t really matter to him.”

               Kellin’s stomach fell out through his pelvis. “That’s not good. He stops caring about shit when he’s in a bad place. We really need to find him. I’ll check the library and the art rooms. Can you guys check the music rooms and office? There aren’t too many places he could hide.”

               Kellin spent the rest of the day searching for Oli, even texting him multiple times without success. He wasn’t there for Chorus either, and came to the conclusion that he was likely avoiding Kellin.

               “Text me if he’s not at the game. I’ll turn around and look for him,” Kellin had told Vic at the end of the day. “I’ll meet you at the field after.”

               “Sounds good. And Kellin?” Vic called, as Kellin turned to head out the door to his car.

               “Yeah?”

               “He will be ok. We’ll find him, and you two will be back to making goo goo eyes at each other in no time.”

               Kellin took the reassurance with him as he drove downtown. He’d told his mother he was checking on his father before Vic and Oli’s game, but he hadn’t told her what Oli had uncovered. He wanted to confirm it was true first. In honesty, he didn’t even know if his father was home. Kellin was simply hoping he’d be there. Texting had seemed like too little, and if it came to an argument, Kellin didn’t want to do it over the phone. He needed to be face to face for this.

               Kellin’s father’s apartment shone in the late day sun, sparkling off the water and sending off plenty of heat. It had a great view of the docks, and Kellin vaguely wondered if what Oli had said, if it were true, if his father shipped people out through those very docks. At the moment there were two container ships, vehicles moving the containers back and forth.

               Steeling himself, Oli flitting through his mind, he determinedly bounded up the stairs to the third floor loft. He could hear several voices from the other side of the door, a man shouting and what sounded like a girl sobbing. Alarm bubbling up from within, he didn’t even bother to knock as he opened the door.

               “-can’t damage the goods like that. You hit their face, you won’t make good money off them!” a man’s voice shouted. It was coming from a man in a suit, yelling at two other men dressed in street clothes. The men were towering over two young women, who were probably not much older than Kellin. They were pretty and blond, and one of them was wailing.

               Behind the man in the suit stood his father, face impassive until he noticed his son in the doorway. “Kellin?!”

               “Dad, what is this?” Kellin asked in confusion, though he knew in his heart Oli had been right all along. “What are you doing with those girls?”

               “Kellin,” he father sighed. “I never meant for you to see this. Why didn’t you text me before you came?” he asked, desperation in his voice.

               “Because I didn’t think I’d walk in to a scene from a horror film!”

               “Who is he?” the man in the suit inquired in a gruff tone.

               “This is my son, who is going to forget everything he’s seen-“

               “Fuck you! Like Hell I will!” At this Kellin whipped out his cell phone desperately, turning to find the door already shut. He had to let someone know he was in a bad situation, and now. He clicked on the first name that came up, typed H-E-L-P and hit send. He was just about to call 9-1-1 when he heard a scuffle, and looked up to see his father reach out to him in futility.

               “No wait Jose! Don’t-“

               A sharp pain reverberated through Kellin’s skull and the phone slid from his hand as his body crumpled to the ground.   

 

              

               “Thanks Juju, just text me the address when you get it. We’re on our way downtown now,” Oli said in the calmest voice he could muster. The cars around them blurred as he sat in the defective front seat of the Aries, going way faster than he thought the little car was even capable of. It might have scared him, except for the fact that they needed to get to Detroit like yesterday.

               “Juju know how urgent this is?” Rachel asked from the back seat, chewing on a nail with nerves.

               “Yeah, he should be getting back to me in the next few minutes,” Oli answered, his voice tight.

               “Fuck, I should have made him wait for me to go with him…” Vic growled.

               “Well there’s nothing we can do about it now. We just need to find him and get him out of there,” Rachel said, bouncing up and down with irritation.

               As the first signs welcoming them to Detroit whizzed past, Oli’s phone rang.

               “Where is it? Not there? On…WHAT?! Ok…ok…we’re going to try and make it. Thanks for everything Juju.” Closing the phone, Oli flicked open his maps as he commanded, “Head towards Boynton. He’s on a ship full of cargo containers going out soon. Juju has the dock and everything-“

               “Drive south on interstate 75 for three miles…” the automated voice spoke from Oli’s phone.

               “A cargo ship? Why…?” Vic began to ask.

               “They must use the containers to hide the people they’re selling,” Rachel filled in.

               “Juju said not to bother with the police either. They’ve been paid off not to check that ship,” Oli added, frowning at his phone, willing the miles between Kellin and him to disappear.

               Vic depressed the pedal a bit more.

               Oli was in near melt down mode when they approached the dock and he saw the moorings being cast off, smoke emanating from the exhaust stacks. Was that boat already moving?

               “Shit!” Vic swore, slamming on the brakes just before the chain link fence, but Oli already had his door open, and was up and over the fence and sprinting down the dock. Vic was hot on his heels, and he vaguely heard him shout something to Rachel. Oli never looked back though, racing along side the boat until he saw a swinging chain on the side and leapt from the dock, his hands burning as he clung for dear life. Vic had spotted the other side of the chain and jumped to that, though being shorter, had an easier time holding on.

               Oli could hear the rush of the water below him, muscles shaking as they climbed up the tall sides of the ship. “Holy shit,” Vic whispered as they made it to the deck, both boys trying to catch their breath.

               “Aye. I can’t even fucking swim,” Oli admitted glancing back to the churning water below. It would have been alright, but he needed to save Kellin first. He had to know Kellin would go on to have a good life without him.

               The deck was abandoned, and the boys looked about. “Ok,” Vic began, “I’m thinking we might need to split up to find Kellin sooner rather than later. Damn I wish we had Rachel’s tasers or something…”

               “Find the helm. Try and get a message out, like an S.O.S. or something. I’ll go below and look around the containers. They won’t hide them up top just in case there’s an inspection or another ship goes by. Text if you need anything.”

               Vic nodded. “Alright. Just be careful. Let’s do this.”

 

 

               The first thing Kellin registered was a ringing in his ears. It was so very annoying, and not helping his splitting headache. Then the pain roared in his skull, and his shoulders ached. He made to move but couldn’t. Blearily opening his eyes, he realized that his arms were cuffed around the steel pole behind him, and the hard, cold floor below him was vibrating. Were they moving?

               The lights above him were dim, but Kellin could see the many shipping containers stacked around the sides, and the rectangular opening in the roof where they had come through. The space below the opening was clear of containers, revealing a heavy metal floor. The smell of lake water and engine oil wafted up through Kellin’s nose. Ship. They were being shipped.

               Hearing a clicking, Kellin looked to his left to see his father cuffed like he was on another pole further away. The man was awake, and seemed to just realize that Kellin was as well.

               “Kellin, thank-goodness. I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you about all this but I didn’t want to drag you in. I just wanted to connect with you. I just-“

               “Shut up, please,” Kellin cut him off in a quiet, hurt voice. “I can’t believe I trusted you. I’m so stupid,” he said to himself, trying to stretch and pull at the cuffs.

               “No, this is my fault. I should have been honest with you, but I didn’t want to scare you off-“

               “Didn’t he tell you to shut up?” a male voice asked, and Kellin turned his pulsing head to see the man in the suit from before. He was flanked by several workers like earlier, one of which had a huge dog that snarled as it passed Kellin, causing him to stiffen against the pole. “Not that it matters, since you’ll be fish food in a few hours, and your son here will be sold to the highest bidder.”

               “Let Kellin go! Please! He doesn’t know-“

               “Well he will now,” the man grinned wickedly. He turned on Kellin who tried to disappear into the pole behind him as the man leaned down close. The boy turned his head, with a whimper, trying to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach as the rough hand slid down the side of his face. “So pretty too. I bet he’ll fetch a very good price.” The hand fisted in his hair, causing Kellin to wince in pain. With a jerking movement he pulled away and whipped his head to bite the hand now free of his hair. How dare that man touch him!

               “Ah!” the man pulled his hand back immediately, and Kellin was gratified to see blood. “You little bitch,” he growled. “Gag him. We can’t have a pet that bites.” Kellin turned his head this way and that in panic as one of the workers tied a dirty rag through his mouth, making a tight knot in the back. The worker laughed, making kissing noises at Kellin who felt his chest tighten in fear. Feeling another rough hand slide under his shirt as the men laughed, Kellin struggled uselessly.

               “Get away from him you cunts!” a familiar voice shouted from above. Flying down from a container, Oliver Sykes, tattoos bright in the dim light, landed on one of the men, tackling him and kicking him back before rounding on the other, grabbing the back of his clothing with one hand and forcefully tossing him away with a roar of fury like Kellin had never heard. When fighting his father, Oli had been determined, tough. This beast before him was _pissed_. Kellin stilled, watching as Oli stood up, his back to Kellin, facing the men with nothing but a rusted pipe he must have gotten from somewhere on the ship.

               “Who the fuck are you?” the man in the suit growled.

               “Someone who’s going to make sure none of you touch him with your filthy hands,” Oli growled, his posture stiff. How on earth had he made it onto the ship? Kellin blinked again to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating from what he suspected was at least a mild concussion.

               “Well there are rather a lot of us, and only one of you. In what universe do you see yourself winning this outcome?”

               “I’ll trade,” Oli breathed.

               “Trade?”

               “Let Kellin go, and you can have me instead. I won’t fight back. Just let Kellin and his father go. I already know how the sex game works and shit.”

               What on earth was Oli thinking?! Kellin screeched into the gag, pulling at the cuffs on his wrists.

               “Hmmm,” the man in the suit considered, eyeing Oli like one would a ham at the grocery store. “With all those tattoos we could say you’re exotic, but really, you’re not quite as pretty as your friend here. So, I will be forced to decline. You men stay here and have some fun with him. Feed the fish with him and Mr. Bostwick when you’re done. We’ll be to the canal by morning.”

               Oli’s fist tightened on the pipe and Kellin squirmed as he watched the other men grin amongst one another, surrounding the boy he loved. The huge dog began barking excitedly, and the man who held it simply let go. With a few bounds the beast traveled the distance, leaping at Oli. Oli smashed him sideways with the pipe, but the movement still carried him backwards to the floor. In a flash the dog was back up. His teeth sunk into Oli’s leg, and the boy brought the pipe down again and again until the concussive blows knocked the dog out enough that it staggered away and collapsed, blood coming out of its ears.

               The dog handler swore and rushed Oli, but Oli rolled and was up on his feet despite the blood flowing down his leg. Swing. Punch. Spin. Oli was a decent fighter, buoying Kellin’s desperate hope as he kicked the man back to his friends.

               Repeatedly the men would approach, at first singly, then in pairs and trios. Each time Oli would fight tooth and nail, beating them back. It was one of the strangest fights Kellin had ever witnessed. Most physical fights he’d ever watched or encountered were over in seconds or minutes, but this one seemed to go on forever. Oli was apparently too dangerous and good at fighting for them to simply grab, especially when defending Kellin. But each attack, each fight, added up, and even Kellin could see he was getting worn down. Fear began to take hold of him, realizing that one of these fights, Oli would soon lose. Still, the tattooed boy stalled the men in front of him, fighting just enough to get them off, but not enough to finish them. What was he waiting for?

               Blood was dripping down Oli’s face, and Kellin was quite sure he saw him spit a tooth at some point. His arms and legs were bruises, and the ebony haired boy wanted to vomit when he saw the cuts on his wrists, some of them reopened with the fight.

               “You are so stupid nino. You could have escaped and lived with all the breaks we give you,” one of the men spat. He was sporting a terrible black eye from Oli’s pipe.

               “You are assuming I want to live,” Oli answered, more blood spilling as he spoke.

               “You don’t want to?”

               “Just long enough to make sure Kellin is safe,” he said, coughing and holding his side tenderly. “Thankfully you motherfuckers don’t know how to have a proper row.” The words cut into Kellin and he felt angry tears leak from his eyes. What was Oli saying? That he planned on dying here?

               The fighting resumed for sometime more, until one of the workers disappeared, coming back with a long chain. Kellin tried to scream, to warn him, hot blood pooling down into his hands as he vainly pulled at the cuffs. But it was too late. In a flash the man had the chain around Oli’s throat, causing him to drop the pipe and drag him to the ground.

               “Hang him over the side and feed the fish, shall we?” the man grinned, dragging Oli along. The other men followed, smiling through their bruises and blood to finally be rid of the devil they had fought for the past hour or so.

               As the other men each grabbed a limb to hold Oli still, they disappeared up the huge elevator. Kellin screeched against the gag, crying and bowing forward as he pulled at his hands. They were going to kill him. They were going to kill Oli and he would never know how much Kellin still loved him, or how sorry Kellin was for all the things he’d said. Blood began to flow again, and with the added lubrication, suddenly Kellin’s wrists were free. Pulling the gag off as he stood, he ignored his father as he sprinted toward the elevator. But just as he reached it, the men came tumbling down the stairs in a panic. The sound of sharp sirens echoed from outside. Not seeing Kellin they bounced him back, only for Kellin’s head to hit the container behind him, and causing everything to go black once more.

              

               For his part, Oli struggled against the chain as they men dragged him up the stairs. He’d held out as long as he could. He could only hope Kellin would make it out with Vic’s help. He didn’t want to die by hanging though, and held tightly to the chain, trying to slide it over his head as he did his best to get out of the men’s grasp. Drowning was one thing. Hanging was quite another.

               It was all in vain though, as the men lowered him over the side of the ship by the metal chain. Oli held as best he could, but it was already crushing and holding off his oxygen supply. His heart pounded in his ears, feet swinging uselessly into nothing as his lungs burned and neck felt as if it were being cleaved slowly in two. Stars danced at the edge of his vision, and bright lights were suddenly on him and the ship. Nothing made sense. Was there really a heaven and he was ascending?

               Dropping several feet, he halted abruptly, his limbs feeling heavy with the lack of oxygen. He was suffocating. He couldn’t be sure, but it felt as though he were going up again. He was dying. Unexpectedly he found himself back on the deck, and the chain loosened. He struggled to draw breath after breath as he was rolled onto his side, but he couldn’t seem to get enough.

               “Breathe Oli! Breathe!” a familiar voice shouted. Vic? Vic would save Kellin.

               “Kellin…” he tried to croak to remind Vic, but Oli’s limbs and head felt heavier and heavier, and he couldn’t help but let go.   

 

               Kellin knew where he was before he was fully conscious, simply by the smell. It was the very same smell that draped his mother’s scrubs every time she came home from the hospital. The last time he had smelled it in this strength had been when Oli had nearly died fending off his father. But now…

               Blue eyes flew open, and Kellin immediately regretted it. Though the room wasn’t terribly bright, the sun was shining through the hospital window and he squinted painfully. There was a flurry of voices and someone instantly got up and shut the shades. Kellin recognized it as his mother.

               “That better Kells?” she asked, her voice quiet.

               “A little,” he groaned, opening his eyes a bit more in the dimness. His head was still throbbing, but not quite as sharp as before. His wrists stung too, and when he looked down, he saw them wrapped in white gauze.

               “A concussion will do that,” she added, and sat on the bed next to him, worry painted on her face, making her look older. Unable to take it in, Kellin looked about to see Mrs. Fuentes and Rachel sitting next to the other bed in the room. In it was Vic, smirking at him and sporting a wrist brace along with a few bandages, including one around his head.

               “Hey concussion buddy,” he greeted, and Kellin tried to return the smile until he realized someone was missing. Immediately his face fell.

               “Where’s Oli?” he asked in a small voice, almost afraid to know, sitting up in anticipation. Though his memory was jumbled, he remembered the other boy being dragged away by those men, but not much after.

               “You should lay back,” his mother began, trying to guide him by the shoulder.

               Instead Kellin batted her hand away, the sharp pricks of panic surging through him. “No! Where is he! Don’t tell me…don’t tell me he’s…” All of a sudden it seemed as though there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room, and Kellin had to work to get air.

               “Oh no honey, he’s alive!” his mother instantly reassured him. “Breathe Kellin! Breathe nice and slow. That’s it. That’s my baby…” she soothed as Kellin slowly calmed. Alive. Oliver was alive.

               “Yeah dude it’s not like last time. I mean he’s got a tube in his throat, but they don’t think he’s gonna die or anything,” Vic added.

               “A tube in his throat?” Kellin asked, alarmed and rather confused.

               His mother took his hand and patted it gently. “He has a tracheostomy tube in until the swelling goes down, but he’s breathing on his own. Physically, he’ll be fine.”

               “Swelling?” Kellin asked, feeling as though he had missed so much.

               “Some guys tried to hang him with a chain over the side of the ship. I pulled him back up just as the Coast Guard showed up,” Vic explained.

               “How did you guys even find me?” Kellin asked, trying to piece together the events in his mind.

               “Oli,” Rachel said simply, moving in front of Vic’s bed and sitting on it. “He called Juju, who contacted his sources. They knew about the ship so we went there.”

               “Yeah and then your bean pole jumped a fence and ran the entire length of the dock in order to catapult himself off of it onto a mooring chain, as the ship’s leaving!”

               Somehow, Kellin knew Oli was just crazy enough to do that. “Then how did you get on?”

               “He’s stupid too,” Mrs. Fuentes frowned, glaring at her son.

               “Well I couldn’t leave Oli hanging! So I…jumped too,” Vic admitted, squirming under his mother’s stare. “It was a really big ship so we split up. I went to go find the helm to try and turn it around, while Oli went looking for you. I found the helm, but some guys beat me up and knocked me out. They locked me in a closet, cause I don’t think they could decide what to do with me, but thanks to the soccer game, I was wearing my hairpins, so I picked my way out. Once I was out I ran out onto the deck to see some guys shoving Oli over the edge. The Coast Guard showed up and scared them back into the ship, and I grabbed the chain just in time to keep Oli from dropping in the water. When I pulled him back up he looked a wreck and passed out. Then the Coast Guard came aboard and arrested the bad guys, including your dad, and got us off. You and Oli got airlifted here, but because I was still conscious, I got to be on one of their rescue boats.”

               “Yeah that was great. Meanwhile I’m still at the car after you two went flying off the dock, trying to figure out who to call because the police are corrupt,” Rachel frowned. “So, I called my parents and they called the coast guard. And by the sound of it, they got there just in time.”

               Kellin wanted to nod his head, but knew it would hurt. “You guys are amazing,” he said, sighing and leaning back against the pillows.

               “So did Oli find you?” Vic asked.

               “Yeah…” Kellin said, trying to draw the memories up. They came, but Kellin felt like he had to reach harder than he usually did for his thoughts. “Yeah they were talking about selling me into…into the sex trade, and one of those guys went to feel me up, but Oli leapt from one of the containers and stomped on his face.”

               At this Vic started laughing, while the other occupants in the room looked shocked. “Oh man I would have loved to have seen those guys faces.”

               “Yeah, they were not happy,” Kellin said. “Their dog went after him but Oli knocked it in the head with a pipe until it came off. And…” Kellin swallowed, having a hard time reliving it. “And he offered to take my place, if they let me and my dad go. But the guy in the suit said no and let the other guys go after Oli. And…I don’t know how long they fought. Seemed like forever. Then there was one guy with a chain, and he grabbed Oli, and the rest of them carried him out. I…I got free somehow,” Kellin told, looking at his wrapped wrists. “And I went to follow them to get to Oli but one guy knocked me back and I hit my head…and that’s it. That’s all I remember.”

               “I am so thankful you’re safe,” his mother sighed, leaning over and kissing his forehead. He felt awful for worrying her. “Rachel told me why you went to see Jeuse,” she said quietly. “And if you do anything like that by yourself ever again, I will dig you back up and kill you myself. But for now, you are grounded indefinitely,” she added, though her relieved eyes told him that she was just glad that he was alright.

               “Ok mom.” He leaned back against the pillows, still a bit tired, the headache not having lessened.

               As if on cue a doctor came in, and older woman with blond hair and checked him over. They wanted to keep both him and Vic one more night for concussion watch, but if all went well, they would be allowed to leave by the next morning.

               “When can I see Oli?” Kellin asked, after the doctor finished shining a light into his eyes.

               “I suppose this afternoon, if you have someone with you. Sudden dizziness can happen with concussions and I don’t want you passing out on us,” she said kindly.

               Kellin figured out it was late morning soon after. Vic and Rachel kept him entertained and distracted with their banter while the mothers went to get lunch. Shortly after, Kellin was allowed to be wheeled to the fourth floor by his mother, promising Rachel and Vic to give Oli all their well wishes. Mentally he knew that Oli would be alright, but the first clue that something was rather wrong was when they exited the elevator and Kellin saw a large sign on the nurse’s desk, denoting that floor as the psychiatric ward.

               “Are you sure this is the floor?” Kellin asked quietly, turning in the chair to look at his mother, who grimaced at the question.

               “Yes. They saw Oli’s wrists, so they’re taking precautions. I didn’t know he’d started again…” she said sadly.

               “It’s recent,” Kellin choked out. “It…It’s because we had a fight the other day.”

               “The two of you? Fighting?”

               “It was over dad,” Kellin admitted. “Oli wanted to make sure I was being safe and I blew it in his face. We…we haven’t reconciled yet.”

               “I think the fact that he came to save you is pretty reconciled. At least you know he still loves you.”

               “I know. I don’t think he ever stopped. But now I need to convince him that I still love him and that he’s worth loving.”

               “That’s going to be the hard part, isn’t it?” his mother asked as she came to the little room at the end of the hall.

               It was nicer than the last room Oli had been in when his right leg had been crushed. There were large windows letting in the afternoon sun. The strange part was the things that were missing. The wires and cables were folded behind metal vents, and all the furniture had rounded corners. There was also a one way window from the hallway, so nurses could keep an eye. Mrs. Sykes sat in the chair next to Oli’s bed, holding his hand.  As soon as she saw Kellin she rose, tears in her eyes and hugged him tightly, before moving past him to hug his mother as well, much to his surprise.

               “How are you feeling?” she asked Kellin. “Your mother was good enough to come up and tell me you had a concussion.”

               “I’m ok,” Kellin answered, though he wondered how many more times he would have to lie about this before it was true. “They just want to keep me one more night to watch me for any complications.”

               “How are you feeling?” his mother asked Mrs. Sykes.

               “Oh, as well as to be expected I think…” Their voices trailed off to hushed tones and the hammering in Kellin’s chest became louder as he approached the bed.

               The scene made him want to cry desperately. Oli’s forearms were wrapped, and there was an IV in his right arm again. The bruises and cuts blended into his tattoos like a bad Van Gough painting. The most startling thing though was the deep purple bruising at his neck. Just below was a middling tube protruding from his throat, attached to the skin there, allowing Oli to breath with all the injured muscles and swelling.

               Tentatively Kellin sat at the ends of the bed, trying to find a comfortable position in his blue hospital gown, and picked up the ink-blackened fingers in his own. The knuckles were bruised and cut from fighting, and Kellin rubbed his thumbs over them, painful emotions swirling inside of him.

               “-ultrasounding him, and I don’t know how I’m going to tell him.”

               Kellin blinked and tuned back into the conversation behind him.

               “Well speech pathologists can do a lot of good work,” his mother said in her nursing, soothing tone. “He’s young yet, so it may yet heal. It sounds like the surgeons were good.”

               “The doctor said that as well. They couldn’t be sure though. They said they would start teaching him sign language, just in case. And Oli’s always been good with languages but-“

               “Wait. What’s broken?” Kellin asked fearfully, turning back to the two women.

               “There’s been some damage to his larynx and voice box, honey,” his mother explained.

               “Oli may never be able to speak again,” Mrs. Sykes added. “But we’re hopeful that it will heal.”

               _I don’t want to hear another word out of you._

               Those were his last words to Oli, and now they might come true. Tears welled in his eyes and his own throat tightened as he thought of Oli’s raw, powerfully emotional voice. The way his accent got thicker when he was excited or upset. The quiet murmurs in his sleep. The mewls of pleasure as they kissed. His laughter when Kellin said something snarky. And his singing…Oh God his singing…

               “Oh Kells…” his mother came over and held him, the guilt bleeding through as Kellin tried to silently sob. If he was any louder, he was sure his head would split in two with his headache. Each hiccup of his diaphragm hurt so much.

               Things did not improve later when Mrs. Sykes and his mother went for coffee in the café. Kellin sat with Oli as he had not woken yet, when Tom came in looking somber.

               “Thought you weren’t going to break him,” Tom mumbled, more tired than angry. Kellin could easily see his eyes were glossy from crying.

               Guilt though clawed at Kellin’s insides and he gave a half-hearted shrug.

               Tom grabbed a chair and sat next to him with a heavy sigh. “Sorry, I know you’re upset too.”

               Kellin’s wavy hair bounced back and forth as he shook his head. “It’s alright. It’s my fault anyway.”

               “Nah. Part of this is Just Oli being Oli. He’s sensitive in ways we just don’t get. Like he puts everything on himself sometimes, and then he wonders why he cracks. At least that’s what I got out of mine.”

               “Got out of your what?”

               “Oh. Here,” he said, pulling out two envelopes. One was addressed to him, and the other to Vic and Rachel. “I read the one for mom and me, but I won’t give it to her. She’d never let him anywhere again if she read it. I found them on his desk when I was getting some clothes for him when he gets released. He washed and folded yours too. Here,” Tom explained, handing Kellin a bag of clothes which Kellin recognized as his own, especially the black hoodie on top. Oli never made an effort to return clothes. Why do it now?

               “Honey, you about ready to go back up to your room?” his mother asked, coming back into the room with Mrs. Sykes.

               Kellin hastily shoved the enveloped into the bag, and gave his assent. Rising slowly, he paused and pulled out the familiar dark garment, and spread it onto Oli’s still legs. “He gets cold easy,” he said, as if he needed to explain away his want to leave a piece of himself so that in the case that Oli woke without him, he could be there in spirit.

               “Of course dear, thank-you,” Mrs. Sykes gave him a watery smile.

               Kellin found Vic flicking through channels on their little TV, Rachel asleep on his shoulder when he came back. Her parents were coming by in an hour to pick her up. Shortly after his mother left, Vic looked at him and asked, “How is he?”

               Rummaging around in the bag of clothes for the envelopes, Kellin looked up and sighed miserably, “Pretty banged up. Also, I am the worst piece of garbage on the face of the planet.”

               Vic’s eyebrows drew together, turning toward him as Rachel woke up. “I know you two fought, and Oli was down, but he showed up to save you Kellin…” The Hispanic boy started, trying to make Kellin feel better.

               “His voice box was…crushed. He might never be able to speak or make any sort of sound again,” Kellin answered quietly. Rachel brought her hands to her mouth in horror.

               “Oh no…poor Oli…”

               Kellin scoffed in self-derision. “And you know what my last words were to him? _I don’t want to hear another word out of you._ It’d be funny if it wasn’t so…I’m so fucking stupid!” he shouted, a pulse of anger causing him to slam some of the clothes on the bed.

               “Kellin,” Rachel murmured sliding off the bed, and then sitting next to him, patted his back. “Did they say he might recover?”

               “They said it’s 50/50,” Kellin sniffed, trying to calm himself. “I might never hear him sing again…”

               “You’ll help him through it,” Rachel assured.

               “What are those?” Vic asked, motioning his chin to the envelopes in Kellin’s hand.

               “I don’t know. Tom came in and said he got one from Oli too, but he won’t show their mom because it might make her upset. Said something about Oli being sensitive in ways he just didn’t get. He gave me my clothes back too. Apparently Oli washed, and folded them to give back which is weird, cause he never gives back my clothes- hey!” Kellin exclaimed as Rachel snatched the envelopes from his hand and slipped from the bed, giving them a hard look. “One of those is mine thanks!” he ground out.

               Rachel stared hard from the letters and then back to Kellin. “Wow you really are an idiot sometimes. Don’t you know what this is?”

               Kellin frowned at her. His headache was still there, and he wasn’t in the mood to play twenty questions. “Should I?”

               She rolled her eyes at his apparent stupidity. “Think about it Kellin. He gave you back your clothes, all cleaned and folded, and wrote you a letter.”

               “You think he’s breaking up with me?” Kellin queried, still confused.

               “Then why would we get them?” Rachel shot back.

               “Unless Oli was breaking up with all of us ‘cause he…”Vic began and trailed off, realization pouring over his face, stilling his features. Looking at Rachel he whispered, “I don’t want to read mine.”

               “Well I’d like to read mine,” Kellin crowed, snatching the letter back and opening the lip with a finger, unable to shake the haunted look in Vic’s eyes. He instantly recognized Oli’s handwriting; narrow, tall and all capitals.

               _Dear Kellin,_

_If this note has found its way to you, then I have finished what I set out to do. Tom will return of the things I have of yours. I hope you can forgive me for everything. You are my most precious thing in this life, and I want your life to be full and happy._

_We both know that my head was never wired for this world. Before you feels like a nightmare, and I was stumbling in the dark. And then you showed up, wouldn’t leave me alone no matter how much I tried to make you. You became my own personal sunlight, and for the first time, in a very long time, I could see again. You are an amazing, beautiful soul. Thank you for showing me how to live, for at least a little while. You made me forget about all the darkness in me._

_I never deserved you. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, to remind me that I wasn’t made to be happy. I knew eventually I, with all my woe, would only hold you back. I only want to be the sun for you, and instead I am the moon, unable to produce any warmth or light of my own. Only able to reflect your brilliance. Without you, I am nothing. I am a black hole in the night sky, shielding the starlight of others without mercy. You need someone who will love you and support you in all the ways I am deficient. All the ways that you deserve._

_I know you will be sad for a little while, but that will fade. Just give it some time. You are strong and capable of moving on after me. The world is in your hands, and you could choose to be with anyone, and they will be the very luckiest being. I hope they realize that, because that’s how I felt with you. I know you will have a happy life without me. I love you so fucking much that I can’t let myself get in the way of the happiness that you could have with someone whole and unbroken. Someone who is not me._

_In the end I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone. I long for that feeling to not feel at all. The higher I get, the lower I sink. I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim. And no one can feel my heart anymore._

_So as I head to my grave tonight to sleep for eternity, please don’t cry. I will be out of pain. No more deep ache. No more numbness. No more bad days. I will feel nothing. I will go believing in your future happiness. I will go thinking of the way you pinch your brows when you read. I will go remembering the feel of your mouth on mine. I will go remembering your scent filling my lungs. I will go loving you._

_Oli_

               For several moments, Kellin could not breathe. His stomach spasmed angrily, and without a word, he clamped a hand over his mouth and bolted from the bed to the bathroom, where he revisited his lunch and dinner. He was vaguely away of Vic’s hands holding him up, his head screaming in pain even after he finished. Tears coursed down and Rachel handed him a cup of water to rinse the burning in his throat, and cloth to wipe his face. Afterward he buried his face in his hands, remaining on the cool tile floor, and sobbed.

               “How could he ever think that it would be ok if he left? That I would be ok?” Kellin asked brokenly, his hiccups making it hard to breath and speak.

               “We know dude. That’s why I didn’t want to read it. It’s too crazy to think of him wanting to do that to himself,” Vic said, still holding Kellin’s arms to ground him, though his eyes looked suspiciously wet as well.

               “He must have written them the day after your fight,” Rachel murmured quietly, rebellious tears already slipping down her cheeks. “He was in a really bad place that night, and then the next morning he was fine. Like nothing ever happened. My dad’s best friend did the same thing before he killed himself, and my Dad had thought everything was ok, but it wasn’t. That’s why I made sure to stay with Oli that night.”

               “Yeah, I was too busy being an asshole,” Kellin choked, crying renewed.

               “You were an ass, but any other person might have cried, been upset, and let it go. Oli really is quite sensitive, and I think with his depression and everything, it makes it so much worse. Like he’s on the edge of a knife sometimes.” She paused, and gave Kellin a wise look. “I think from now on, we all need to help Oliver see that he’s worth it. It’s going to take a lot of time…”

               “That’s the thing though. I thought we were already there,” Kellin sighed.

               “Maybe his psychiatrist has some thoughts on it?” Vic suggested.

               “That’s a good idea!” Rachel said, having to clear her throat as it cracked.

               Kellin nodded, trying to think of how he was going to help Oli, and slowly coming to a decision. His head swam briefly as he stood with Vic’s help. Silently, he left the bathroom and grabbed his clothes from the bag Tom had brought.

               “Can you guys turn around?” Kellin asked. “I’m gonna get changed.”

               “Where are you going?” Rachel asked as she turned along with Vic. “You have to stay here so they can wake you up every hour for your concussion.”

               “You’re gonna go sit with him, aren’t you?” Vic queried, reading Kellin’s thoughts as usual.

               “Yeah, just text me every hour when they wake you up. You can tell the nurses where I am if you want. They can check on me down there, but there’s no way I’m leaving him,” Kellin answered with determination as he slid on his pants.

               It took some work to avoid the nurses who might recognize him as Kellin escaped his room and slunk to the elevator. In minutes he was back at the familiar room on the fourth floor. There he saw that the nurses had been busy in his brief time away. Apparently the swelling had decreased, and the tracheostomy tube was removed from Oli’s throat, the rose sewn back together with little black x’s. At least they had taken the time to line up the tattoo correctly, Kellin noted.

               Oli wheezed a bit as he breathed, but was otherwise in the same position Kellin had left him. Ms. Sykes and Tom had apparently gone home with the dwindling of visiting hours. Dragging the same seat back over, Kellin plopped into it and took the cool, inked hand in his own. His now inked right arm mirrored it, the smooth, beautiful shading of Kellin’s intermingling with all the faces and stars of Oli’s. They couldn’t be more different, and yet they seemed to bleed into one another. He was very tempted to lay in bed next to him, but with all the bruises and cuts, Kellin didn’t want to cause him any pain. Thus, he settled for holding his hand, watching the thin chest go up and down as he waited patiently.

              

 

 

               Dying hurt, but Oli hadn’t expected death to hurt as well. He thought he would just be gone, with no more thoughts, and certainly no more pain. Unfortunately, he was rather aware of himself, and the pain in his neck. In fact, his whole body felt as though it had been backed over by a truck multiple times, set on fire, dropped down multiple sets of stairs, and then buried in a shallow grave where animals might have started to dig him up and eat him. He was very aware of himself, who he was, and if he were dead, he never believed he would be.

               Clawing his way back towards consciousness he heard a voice through the pain and discomfort.

 _I'm sorry for the things I've done, things I've done, I'm sorry for the man I was, and how I treated you…_      

He knew that voice better than his own. Adored it, really. With a push from his brain his eyelids fluttered open to a dim ceiling that he didn’t recognize. He felt like one large bruise, and his throat was a bit tight. He lay and blinked a few times, still listening to the voice and floating there until it abruptly cut off.

“Oli?” it asked, and he blinked. That was his name. And he…memories came flooding back, eliminating the haze. Shit. He tried to turn his head to see the other boy, which sent knives through his spine and he winced. Or rather would have, but no sounds came out. He opened his mouth, tried to explain that it hurt, but all that came out was air. Why couldn’t he speak?

               “Hold on,” the voice said gently, laying a calming hand on his arm as the ebony haired boy adjusted the bed so Oli could sit up and see him with minimal movement of his neck. He couldn’t quite see what he was doing by the nightstand, but soon a pen and pan were placed in his hand, and Oli understood. He only wrote one word. ALIVE?

               Blue eyes stared at it for a moment before meeting his. Oli could tell he’d been crying.

               “Yeah…yeah you’re alive baby. You’re here with me.”

               No. Oli had been so sure he was going to die, just like in that hospital in England. Why did they keep bringing him back? Why? Couldn’t they just…Tears slipped silently down his cheeks, and his throat hurt even more. He just wanted to die. Why couldn’t they allow him to die?

               “Oliver,” the other boy choked wretchedly, beginning to cry as well. Kellin. His boy he would sacrifice everything for. Or at least he’d tried to.

               With a swift movement Kellin scooted onto the bed, wrapping his arms around the other boy as Oli leaned into the embrace. His skin screamed briefly, and his neck hated the position change, but all of that was nothing compared to being held in arms he never thought he would feel again.

               “I love you. I love you. And I’m so sorry,” Kellin whispered to him. “I want you with me for the rest of my life. I don’t want you to ever go. I love you. I love you. Don’t leave me…”

               Were those words true? Could he trust them?

               “You had it all wrong. You are not the moon between us. You’re my fucking sunlight, and I need you more than I need anything else. You make my days bright and bring me warmth. Even when you have storms, I still revolve around you. Nothing, no one, will ever replace you, and I am so…so sorry…more sorry than I’ve ever been about anything, that I ever made you feel otherwise,” Kellin said fiercely, moving them so he could see Oli’s face, holding his bruised cheeks with those warm, gentle hands, thumbs rubbing the tears away. “Sometimes my mouth opens up and things that I don’t even really think just pop out. I mean, look how I got in trouble with Derek. Oli, as soon as I said that shit that afternoon I wanted to take it all back. I was never actually mad at you. I was mad at the idea that I might lose something I thought I never would have. But I know I took that out on you. I said shit that’s not forgivable, and made you hurt more than I could have ever dreamed. And I hate myself for that.

               “And the incredible thing is that you weren’t even mad. If I were you, I would have punched me. You _should_ have punched me! I deserved it. But you’re too kind for your own good, and you just swallowed it, and I want you to know that all those things you think about yourself are just lies your brain is telling you. I know I promised not to do anything drastic, but if you ever thought my life would ever be happy without you in it, you’re wrong. You are just as capable of having a long, happy life as I am. You are strong and handsome. You deserve everything I have to offer.

               “You wrote that I deserve someone whole and capable, but Oli, don’t you see that’s exactly what you are? Everyone is a whole person on their own, but together we’re even better. No one is perfect. All of us have darkness in our light, and light in our darkness. I wasn’t lying when I said you are my sun. You make my whole world brighter. You give me so many colors. And…and if you can forgive me, I’ll be your moon. I know I’ll never get rid of the darkness and the hurt you carry with you, just like you’ll never get rid of mine. But I can be a light for you in that darkness. I can remind you that the sun still exists. I can remind you of all the things that make you want to live again...make you want to live with me. So please..please forgive me. Forgive me and stay with me.”

               Somewhere in Kellin’s scrambled monologue of an apology, Oli had started crying in earnest again, a mix of bitter and happy tears. Kellin kissed them away, but continued to hold him until Oli reached for the pad and paper again, writing with stiff fingers.

               I LOVE YOU TOO. I FORGIVE YOU.

               At this Kellin gave a little bubble of a laugh and kissed him, at first exuberantly, then slowing for Oli’s injuries. It filled him with so much warmth, healing him from the inside out. As they parted, Oli began to write on the pad again.

               HANGING INJURY WHY I HAVE NO VOICE? WORST SORE THROAT EVER.

               Kellin frowned, his shoulders slumped and he looked guiltily at Oli. “When those guys tried to hang you, where the chain grabbed you it…it crushed your voice box. The doctors think you have a chance at healing and getting it back, but it’s gonna take time.”

               He wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. Everything seemed to pale in comparison to the fact that he knew Kellin loved him, and wanted him to stay. Part of him wanted to be upset about it though. How would he communicate? What if he never got his voice back?

               “Hey, I’m gonna be with you every step of the way,” Kellin reassured quickly, clearly reading the torn look on Oli’s face.

               LOTS OF WORK

               “Worth it though. Your voice is one of my favorite things in the world. And..and even if it never comes back, I won’t love you any less,” he reassured, letting his fingers drift down Oli’s upper arms, feeling the bumps and bruises. “I can’t believe you thought there was someone out there more perfect for me than you. I mean, who else am I going to find to jump onto a moving ship and fight people for hours? I bet you feel like one giant bruise.”

               Being that he couldn’t nod or shrug, Oli simply wrote: YES. EVERTHING HURTS. MY NECK IS THE WORST.

               “Well that makes sense. I mean, only a few hours ago it was so swollen that they had to put a tube into your trachea so you could breathe.”

               Immediately Oli’s hands flew to his neck, and he could feel the small stitches in the front.

               MY ROSE?

               “Don’t worry. They aligned it pretty well I have to say,” Kellin said, letting his own hands slide back into Oli’s. The brunette watched as Kellin tugged at the bandages wrapped around his wrists, and sighed. Feeling embarrassed for letting himself slip, especially when he’d promised, Oli drew his arms away, wrapping one around himself as if to hide it, the other one writing SORRY.

               Kellin didn’t let him off the hook though and gently guided the inked hands back to him. “No, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I pushed you there. We should talk Dr. Orsbeck, and maybe she’ll have some ideas on why this happened. I mean, Vic told me that he and Rachel fight sometimes, but they talk it out and they make it up after. Meanwhile with us…”

               MAYBE BECAUSE WE NEVER FIGHT? Oli suggested.

               “Could be. She might be able to talk to us about that though. I never want to fight with you again, but I’m also not a fortune teller.”

               I REALLY NEVER EVER WANT TO ROW WITH YOU AGAIN. TOO SCARY. NEED TO WORK ON OUR COMMUNICATION.

               “Did you really just make an Independence Day reference?” Kellin chuckled in incredulity.

               I MISSED YOUR LAUGH.

“Really?”

YES. THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SNUFFED OUT. WHY DID YOU GO TO YOUR DAD’S ALONE?

               At this, Oli’s eyes turned a bit upset and he waited for Kellin’s answer. “Honestly? I wanted to surprise you. Vic helped me realize that I took out my insecurities on you, and I felt like an asshole. So I wanted to go and kind of, I don’t know, break up with my dad I guess. I wanted to show you that I trusted you. Yeah, it was cool rediscovering him alive, and finding that he did give a damn, but Oli, my relationship with a man who walked out and missed most of my life could never be as important to me as my relationship with the boy who loves me so much that he became fucking superman to try and save me. If I ever made you feel unimportant, that’s on me, and I will never be able to convey how mad at myself I am for that…”

               Sensing he was going to dive into another apology, Oli placed a finger on his lips to stop it, then drew Kellin in to capture those very lips with his own. He would kiss him as many times as it took to let him know that he was forgiven.

 

               Kellin was discharged the next morning, but he dutifully waited for Oli as Dr. Orsbeck came in to evaluate him. Physically the doctors were happy he was healing well. The swelling in his neck continued to go down as the purple and yellow of the bruises mingled with the colors of his tattoos. The dog bites were healing properly too, and Oli would continue oral antibiotics at home after finishing those in his IV that morning. The cracked ribs were taped, and Oli was placed on a liquid and soft food diet until his throat had recovered enough for solids. However, in order to be released, he still needed to be psychologically evaluated to determine that he would not be a danger to himself.

               Dr. Orsbeck was not what Kellin imagined when he finally met her. In his head, all psychiatrists were tall, thin, and horribly, though impeccably, dressed. Dr. Orsbeck was none of those things. She was short, wore thick, black framed glasses, dressed in what looked like the most comfortable clothes short of sweatpants, and had violent streaks of blue in her blond hair. When she poked her head out of Oli’s room, Kellin did a double take.

               “Kellin Quinn right? It’s finally nice to meet you,” she said shaking his hand. “I don’t really do couples therapy but you’re kind of needed in this session so we can help Oli move forward.”

               Kellin liked her already. Most adults insisted on calling Oli by his full name, so the fact that she didn’t was a good sign in his book. Following her into the hospital room he found Oli picking at bandage where they had removed the IV that morning. The blankets were strewn about his somewhat bare legs, and there was a notebook in his lap so he could communicate. Kellin took up his position on the chair next to the bed, and Oli gave him a shy smile which warmed his heart.

               “Alright, so Oli gave me his version of the events that happened that lead to another hospital bed,” Dr. Orsbeck said with a bit of humor, so why don’t you give me yours Kellin.

               Kellin did so, reliving the weeks leading up to that fateful evening, his distraction, missing all of the signs, and finally the argument, and his decision to handle his father by himself. Throughout everything, Dr. Orsbeck nodded, eyes interested and paying attention not just to Kellin, but to Oli’s reactions as well. By the time he finished, Kellin felt drained again, feeling the guilt he was sure he would carry with him the rest of his life creeping back in.

               “I think I see our problem here,” Dr. Orsbeck began. Handing Kellin another pad and pen from her bag she said, “I’d like you each to pick an adjective to describe Kellin.”

               Grimacing, Kellin wrote a single word, and then flipped it around, which caused a knowing smile to spread over Dr. Orsbeck’s face. “’Impulsive’, and ‘Perfect’. That’s quite the combo.” Kellin glanced over and gave Oli a look at the adjective. Perfect? That was really how Oli saw him?

               “Alright, now I would like you both to do the same for Oli,” she said.

               Kellin had to think about this one. How could he use just one adjective to describe his boyfriend that would capture everything that the other represented? Oli was faster though, quickly writing his adjective.

               “I can’t pick one,” he said.

               “Write a couple then,” Dr. Orsbeck allowed. After a beat he wrote several and turned his page. “Alright we have ‘Wondrous, amazing, gentle, sweet, and sexy’ and Oli you wrote…’Fucked up.’ As you can see, both of you do the same thing: you degrade yourselves, and you put each other up on pedestals. You are both humans, you realize that, right?” Seeing Oli’s disapproving frown she added, “Why don’t we try another exercise? I want you each to write something that is your favorite thing about the other person. It can be a physical or personality trait.”

               This was rather easy, Kellin thought. He had written ‘His smile,’ and when he looked he saw Oli flip his pad over to reveal ‘Thoughtfulness.’

               “Well it’s good to know you don’t just love me for my body,” Kellin grinned at him.

                “These are great. Now I want you to write something that you hate or drives you nuts about the other person.” At this both boys paused and exchanged looks. Something they hated?

               “But I don’t…” Kellin began.

               “Everyone has something they don’t really care for in their partner. Admitting it and knowing about it, but loving that other person anyway is part of a healthy relationship, as long as the thing you don’t like is conducive to continuing a relationship. Just give it a try.”

               Kellin frowned and glanced to Oli again. Hazel eyes looked back, portraying how hard this was for Oli as well. At least they were in the same boat.

               After several moments, Kellin wrote several words and waited for Oli, who seemed to be struggling even more. Finally he scribbled something and they turned it at the same time.

               “Alright, let’s see. Oli you wrote, that Kellin can make snap judgements about people based on first impressions, and then you stubbornly stick with those for no reason. Do you think that’s a fair assessment?”

               “I mean…I guess? I never even realized I did that…”

               Oli scribbled something else.

               SOMETIMES IT’S GOOD. OTHER TIMES IT’S BAD. YOU’RE NOT GREAT AT READING PEOPLE.

               Wasn’t that a slap in the face?

               Dr. Orsbeck nodded. “I guess that means that Kellin isn’t perfect then, is he? He is human, and can make mistakes like the rest of us. The good part is that he seems to be decent at admitting them. In fact, probably better than half the human population,” the doctor encouraged, making Kellin at least feel a bit better. “And Kellin you wrote that Oli tends to blame himself for everything, even things that aren’t his fault. Oli do you think that’s a fair assessment?”

               Oli fidgeted, and in lieu of nodding with a still injured neck, he wrote YES.

               “The point of this exercise isn’t to make you feel awful or point out all your faults,” Dr. Orsbeck explained in a sweet tone. “It’s to make you realize that you are with another human being, and that human being is just as capable of mistakes as you are. Don’t lift that other person up while blaming yourself for everything. No one is perfectly well behaved all the time. If they’re being a jerk, or engaging in behavior that is problematic, be honest with one another and help each other grow. Oli that means when Kellin is making those snap judgements, bring them to his attention. For you Kellin that means catching Oli when he starts to blame himself for the weather and other things that are beyond his control. And when you do it? Do it constructively and with love. Remember, you’re helping that other person grow, not make them feel worse. Does that make sense?”

               Kellin nodded. “Yeah I think we can do that. Right baby?” he asked, looking at Oli.

               YEAH, Oli wrote on his pad, until a pensive look came over his face. He began scribbling again.

               I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER. WHY DID I BACKSLIDE LIKE THAT?

               Dr. Orsbeck seemed to put on her thinking cap as she considered the query. “Well, Oli, depression, PTSD, anxiety, these are all just symptoms telling us that our brain isn’t functioning like it needs to. Think of the liver. If I injured my liver badly, I might need to take some supplements the rest of my life to help it function properly, and if I am vigilant and do those things, my liver will do what it needs to. There may even be a day I can get a graft or stem cells and my liver will heal enough for me to be off the supplements, but for now I need to take them. But if I drink a bunch, or go off my supplements, I might vomit and be very sick. That’s my liver telling me that it’s not feeling well. It’s a symptom caused by that original injury. Your brain has been through a lot of emotional trauma. It shows this by your depression, anxiety, dissociation, and PTSD. We manage those with therapy and medication. But experiencing something traumatic, say a fight with your boyfriend, is like drinking with my injured liver. It’s going to be much worse than if I had a perfectly healthy liver. Your brain is an organ, just like your liver, and it can get sick to. Your brain may one day, with lots of therapy and work, be healed enough to be off medications, just like getting stem cells for my injured liver. But for now, we just need to treat it gently and you need to be kind to yourself. Does that make sense?”

               No wonder Oli liked her as a psychiatrist. She really was quite good.

 

 

               Kellin had nearly forgotten about school. With the kerfuffle of almost being sold for sex, his father being arrested, one of the largest sex trade busts in history going down in Detroit, talking to the police to give his statement, and of course reconciling with Oli, school was the furthest thing from his mind. In fact, he would have completely forgotten the shit storm that had happened that previous Thursday, if not for Vic texting him the night before, asking him how many fights he was going to get in to defend Oli’s honor. All of them, had been his answer, but in reality he wasn’t sure if Oli would want him to fight, or to just let it go. The answer turned out to be a bit of both.

               Despite the close heat and humidity, Oli was dressed in his usual plaid shirt and ripped jeans when Kellin found him at his locker before they headed to chemistry. Vic was with him, and they were chatting, or rather Vic was as Oli listened. The bruises were still there, but his neck was back to looking like a neck at least. When they had hung out all yesterday he had noticed Oli able to move it more, and saw it as an encouraging sign.

               No one seemed to bother them on their way to chemistry, where they would be creating supersaturated liquids, but things took a downturn as they settled in for class. As Oli set up the Bunsen burner while Kellin measured the sugar and water, he noticed the girls in front of them would not stop giggling, shooting furtive glances at the two of them. It irritated Kellin, but Oli simply rolled his eyes and continued on, using his little notebook he had to carry with him everywhere to communicate. But the laughter didn’t stop.

               “Look if you losers are going to sit and giggle about what you saw on the internet, you could at least be more subtle about it,” Kellin finally growled.

               Both of them managed to look offended. “What makes you think we’re talking about your junkie?” one asked, turning in her seat as the other fixed him with a stern glare.

               “Because you idiot, you keep pulling up the picture on your phone when you think Mrs. Geck isn’t looking. It’s getting old fast.”

               “Well it’s not like we’ve had too many people in this town who have done the hard stuff. Most of them are just pot heads,” the second girl scoffed.

               “Yeah, like what does that even feel like?” asked the first girl, looking at Oli hopefully.

               Oli’s eyes widened briefly at the question, and Kellin was pretty close to beating both girls’ heads on the workbench, until that wicked smirk, the one where he knew he was in trouble, broke out on Oli’s face. An inked finger pointed behind the girls, and turning, one of the girls screamed. The edge of her ponytail had caught on fire, and her partner panicked, whacking her to put it out. The other students turned to look at her as Mrs. Geck ran back shouting “Get in the shower!”

               In all the commotion, Kellin looked over to Oli, seeing him cover his mouth, trying to stop himself from laughing. Had he planned that?

               “So could you please do us a favor? Stay the fuck out of our way…” he sang quietly below the din, causing Oli to only laugh harder.

               The pandemonium of the chemistry lesson spread through the school like wildfire, some accounts by the end of the day stating that the entire classroom had been on fire. But if Kellin thought maybe this would be the news to let Oli go back under the radar, he was very wrong.

               The courtyard was full of students excited at the prospect of the end of the year, and senioritis was in full swing. Most were eating and laughing, much like Vic, Kellin, and Oli, as they waited under their tree for a rather late Rachel. Kellin was halfway through his carrot sticks when a couple guys that he recognized as being one step above cockroaches (and it was a very short step), approached their group. Kellin’s stomach tightened as they made a beeline for his boyfriend.

               “Hey man, you still got Vitamin K?”

               Unable to talk, Oli scowled and flipped them the bird. This didn’t seem to have the desired affect though as they just laughed.

               “C’mon man. We won’t out you or anything, and we’re willing to pay.”

               Kellin glowered and opened his mouth but Vic beat him to it, instantly on his feet and putting himself between the boys and Oli. “Fuck you! Get out of here with that shit!”

               “Back off Fuentes. Unless you want some too…” The din around them lessened as the student in the yard zeroed in on the potential fight.

               Kellin impulsively pushed them back. “Shut the fuck up you assholes! Oli’s been clean for a year now! Hear that you gossiping pricks?!” he shouted, not addressing the whole yard. “My boyfriend is clean and I swear to God the next person to ask him about drugs is going to spend their summer in a body cast! Do I make myself clear?!” Looking about he saw people sheepishly gazing into their lunches, afraid to confront a rather crazed Kellin.

               “Alright alright…” the two boys muttered. Kellin swore he heard ‘dipshits’ somewhere in there as they retreated.

               A cool hand slipped into his own, and he turned in time for Oli to give him ‘thankyou’ peck on his cheer, his hazel eyes shining with adoration. On his little note pad he wrote a quick thanks for Vic.

               “Oh sure, Kellin gets a kiss. I get a signed note,” Vic teased.

               Kellin shared a mischievous look with Oli and before Vic could shove them off, they kissed either of his cheeks.

               “Ugh! Ew! Get off! The cooties!! I have a Girlfriend!!!” Vic dramatically pushed them back among Kellin’s loud guffaws while Oli did his best to hold his cracked ribs still.

               “Oh my God you two! Stop trying to steal my boyfriend!” Rachel said in mock anger as she came from the cafeteria with her lunch.

               “Sorry…sorry…we couldn’t resist! He was complaining Oli didn’t thank him properly,” Kellin explained with a grin.

               “Well he’s been thanked. Haven’t you babe?” she said, kissing Vic slowly.

               GET A ROOM, Oli wrote and showed Kellin.

                “I can see that Oliver!” Rachel threatened, breaking off the kiss. “And you should be eternally grateful to me right now.”

               Oli exchanged a skeptical glance with Kellin.

               “Says who?” Kellin challenged.

               “Says me,” she said with superiority, pulling out her phone, and with a few swipes of her thumb, pulled up a picture on her news feed. Underneath it read: Youths Caught Hacking FBI. One Father Fired. Kellin instantly recognized the two soccer boys from the other week, being folded into a cop car from processing.

               “Holy shit…”

               “You are the best girlfriend,” Vic laughed. “Look at their stupid faces! Oh my god this is so sweet.”

               “All I had to do was tell my parents, and they called some folks. At any rate, they’re never going to post another photo, of either of-oof! Aw Oli, you’re welcome!” she chuckled as Oli gave her a quick hug.

               THANK YOU, he wrote in big letters with hearts around them.

               “Well to be fair, you did jump in and save Vic, so I owed you anyway.”

               Oli gave a soft smile and shook his head. FOR EVERYTHING. YOU’RE AN AMAZING FRIEND.

               At this Rachel seemed to go mute, unsure of what to say.

               “Okay this is getting mushy for me,” Vic redirected, wiping at his cheeks. “Ugh I think you really did give me cooties. If I start looking at guys differently, I’m blaming both of you…”

               “That’s right…come to our side…we have…good hygiene…” Kellin said in a creepy voice.

               AND SCOOTERS

               “…and broadway chops…”

               AND BRUNCHES

               “You two are the worst!” Vic laughed, Rachel joining him as they headed back in at the bell. Looking over to Oli, Kellin saw him smiling, and felt he could start again.  

 

 

               A palpable excitement seemed to buzz around the school the last few weeks of school. From seniors ready to graduate, to underclassmen ready for a summer off, everyone seemed to just want to sit by the open windows in class as if they could smell the freedom headed their way. It was a freedom full of long, warm nights with friends, trips to the beach, and a glorious lack of schoolwork.

               Meanwhile, Oli seemed to be working harder than ever. Four days a week he met with a speech therapist who did exercises and worked with him, trying desperately to bring his voice back and to heal the broken vocal chords. The sessions were long and when Kellin picked him up afterward Oli was usually very tired or full on discouraged. It broke Kellin’s heart every time he saw him like that, curled up in the passenger seat of the Cougar, looking like he might cry or just give up. He did his best to be encouraging in those times, but realistically, he knew it was not a good sign that Oli would ever get his voice back.

               Two other days during the week were much more merry. Together they attended a sign language class at their library to learn the basics, just in case Oli never got his voice back. With Kellin, and sometimes Ms. Sykes or Vic and Rachel, Oli had someone to practice with. According to Ms. Sykes, Oli had always been good with learning new languages, and this one was no exception. Oli took to it like a rabbit to humping, as if he were born to communicate that way. His graceful, inked fingers and arms moved so fluidly that Kellin was sure Oli could have been a dancer in another life. Kellin loved watching him speak this way, almost as much as he missed Oli’s raw, powerful voice.

               On the other hand, Kellin had always been awful at languages, and was very awkward trying the movements. Oli made it look so easy! He might be embarrassed by it, but Oli seemed to derive some sort of sick pleasure in watching him try and fail badly. After he tried a few times to copy the teacher’s movements, he would watch Oli, try again, and end up with Oli taking his hands and guiding him through the gestures. It was intimate, leaving his skin tingling where Oli had held him.

               Despite all the work they seemed to be putting in, they still found time for relaxation. After exams had passed and graduation wasn’t until the following week, Kellin found himself at the little tattoo studio in Detroit, getting his arm finished one late morning. Oli had a speech therapy session, so Kellin would have to get the shading finished alone. Part of him was bummed to not have Oli there, but another part of him wanted to surprise him when Oli came to pick him up, since his mother had dropped him off on the way to hospital so they didn’t have to take two cars.

               He remembered to thank Juju profusely, for both his excellent work and for saving his life. Juju, being who he was, simply took it in stride. Oli had already paid him for Kellin’s tattoo in full, and saving Kellin was to make sure that Oli stayed happy. Either way, Kellin was grateful.

               “This is going to look so wicked once it’s healed,” he grinned at his boyfriend who was waiting at the bottom of the stairs when Kellin walked slowly down them, one at a time. He had a thing about stairs.

               Oli smiled up at him and moved his hands to sign _hungry?_ At least he didn’t seem down this time after a therapy session as he usually was. Kellin supposed the nice weather did that for everyone.

               “Yeah! Getting stabbed by tiny needles takes a lot out of a guy. Seriously. I don’t know how you put up with all those tattoos. I could barely sit still for this one.”

               Oli just shrugged and led them to the white Audi. There was a soft breeze down by the river front, and Kellin stubbornly tucked his hair back to keep from eating it. Oli got them lunch and they settled down at the boardwalk, facing Canada. The sun turned the drifting water to diamonds, and people bustled about, walking their dogs and getting ice cream for their children. It was strange to see so much normality, after the last time he had been by this very body of water having nearly been sold for sex.

               Seeming to sense the heaviness as well, Oli watched the water, their shoulders touching as they sat side-by-side on the bench. Hazel eyes stormed at the river as it flowed by. Kellin let the quiet lay between them for awhile, before asking, “What are you thinking about?”

               Pulling a pad from his back pocket, Oli scribbled, COUNTING MY BLESSINGS.

               “Really? You looked mad for a second there.”

               A LITTLE MAD AT MYSELF.

               “Why?”

               THIS IS WHERE I WAS GOING TO JUMP AFTER TALKING TO YOUR DAD AND MAKING SURE YOU WERE SAFE THAT NIGHT, Oli scrawled quickly. I WOULD HAVE THROWN ALL OF THIS AWAY. I’M COUNTING MY BLESSINGS THAT I DIDN’T.

               Kellin felt a sharp pain through his heart and put a hand on Oli’s sun-warmed thigh. “I’m beyond glad you didn’t either,” he said softly, trying to put the weight of the loss into his voice. Even then, he wasn’t sure he could. “I know I promised I would never do anything, but I’m not sure I could have lived with that guilt.” Silence descended once more, and Kellin had to look at the water to gather himself. “I love you.”

               Oli grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze to reciprocate, and then went back to writing. YOU ARE MY FAVORITE BLESSING. Feeling joy bubble in his chest, Kellin leaned over and kissed him for several moments. When he leaned back, he could see those amber eyes dancing.

               I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU, Oli wrote, catching Kellin off guard. As patiently as could, Kellin waited as Oli checked his pockets and pulled out an envelope. Grinning like a proud child, Oli held it out to him.

               “What’s this?” he asked cautiously, tearing the top open. Oli just watched him quietly, his whole frame seeming to buzz with excitement. Inside was a ticket. But not just any ticket. It was an airline ticket for London. “Holy shit…I’m…We’re going to England this summer?! Together?!”

               Staring at him in delight for his exuberance, Oli rolled his tongue around his mouth, pressing his lips together, and Kellin’s breath caught in his throat. Could he be trying…? Oli took a breath and opened his mouth.

               “Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Another story down! Going through I actually counted referencing 12 BMTH songs and 4 SWS songs. It's probably not as good as my first work, but I hope y'all enjoy it just the same. And don't worry, I have plans for at least 2 more installments. Leave Kudos, or don't. IDGAF.


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